Saturday, April 28, 2012

40 To 40 Day 40! On Turning Forty

Turning 30 was hard for me. I wasn't very happy then. I had two kids under the age of 5, wasn't really doing anything other than taking care of them, and had an overwhelming sense of  "is this really it?" I was still just coming off of a career as a legal assistant, and still thinking that I needed a career to be considered successful. It's a hard thing to do, change the way you think. Change the way you see yourself in the world.

By 2006 I had really found what I wanted to do in podcasting and the radio, but then by the end of that year my foster father was really sick, and I had a falling out with another family member. My father passed in early 2007, and I never made any real amends with the family member, though I really did try (at least I think so).

It's cliche', but it took great loss to get me to appreciate what I have. To stop wanting more than what is necessary, to try and only stick to what I need. To know how quickly it can be over, and someone you love can be taken away, or can leave you. It's hard to learn that you can't change others, you can only change yourself. You definitely can't change things when someone passes on, and maybe that is what helped me learn to let things go easier. In everything. Not saying I'm completely Zen with it, we all slip up, but for the most part I feel I have a much better awareness of things than I did when I turned 30. If I am aware of my actions, and stay in control of what I do, that's enough. It has to be- because it's the only thing I can control.

You know what the biggest test is? Driving. If you can let all those other cars pass you by, or cut you off, and still keep a smile? You're doing pretty good. Driving is the ultimate test of our stress level. Think about it.

So here I am now, forty. I'm in a good place. I'm trying new things when I feel ready. I know that it's ok to not look too far ahead, so I can enjoy the moments I'm in even more. I have two amazing daughters who I love to watch grow. I have a husband who has indeed been the love of my life, and I can't see anything changing. Well, you know, as far as I look ahead I don't see anything changing. ;)

I feel better physically now than I did at 30. Hell, even at 20. I certainly feel better mentally. I'm more confident than I have ever been, and have stepped out of my comfort zone more times in the past couple of years than I would ever think to 10-15 years ago.

Forty is this. And this.

So forty, I embrace you. I start this decade not hiding behind hair color and dreams of the future, but as a woman who has both feet firmly on the ground. Confident in who I am and what I look like, and ready to take on the future- not with dreams, but only when the future becomes the now.

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