Wednesday, April 18, 2012

40 To 40 Day 30: On Being Confident

I have to say, I love this photo.
I look happy, and perhaps even confident.
I sometimes feel like a fraud. Not a fraud in the sense that I am not sincere or truthful. More about my confidence level. I'm really a big chicken, and I struggle with it all the time.

If you've been following along the past 30 days, you know the connection. I certainly don't use what happened to me as a child as an excuse. For the most part it doesn't slow me down, but it does still to this day affect how I see myself, and what I think I'm capable of.

It pisses me off that at nearly 40 years old my childhood can still haunt me. I think that is part of the reason I have a hard time saying no to things. I  get this great need to conquer my insecurities, so screw you childhood I'm taking it ALL on. I also seem to surround myself with extreme Type-A motivating crazy people, who are very good at talking me into things like leading a Girl Scout troop, leading a tech conference, and doing some public speaking (yeah, you all know who you are).

I love them for it.

When I really think about it, it isn't just being coerced guilted persuaded. Before any of that, I was president of the parent-teacher organization at my daughter's school. For two years. That was my own doing. Going back even further, I stood in a court room and made a statement in front of a judge and my step-father and brought myself closure on a dark time. Coming back to the present, no one talked me into speaking at PodcampAZ last year. That was all me. Hell, no one made me start a podcast. I think you need a certain amount of confidence to let your voice be heard. Especially with the topics I cover.

A friend helped me train for Pat's Run. Running and becoming healthy and fit brought me more confidence, and now I'm about to run my third one. No one talked me to running a half-marathon. That was all me- and I think I was the one who coerced a couple friends into it this year! Soon I'll be running my first full marathon, and I'm confident it could kill me I will finish.

No, it's not persuasion, or guilt. It's about support. All the things I've accomplished over the years happened because of the support I've had. The support I do have. I've always looked for it, I've always known that I can't do things alone and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. The times that my confidence levels are down, when I feel like I'm drowning, it's a sign that I need to start reaching out to my support. That I need to ask for help.

They are all right there, waiting and willing to help. I just have to be confident enough to ask for it.

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