40 To 40 Day 29: On Friends

I have a wide variety of friends. Friends of nearly every religion, race, political, and sexual background. I have friends that are much older, and much younger. I have friends that make me laugh, cry, roll my eyes, piss me off, and think.

They aren't always in my life at the same time. Some I don't see for years, yet when we see each other again it's like I just saw them yesterday. There are times I need some friends more than others. There are times I don't want my friends around at all.

I have book wine club friends, twitter friends, Facebook friends, High School friends, neighbor friends, Girl Scout friends, social media friends, friends I've never met in person, friends I've only met in person once, parents of my daughters' friends-friends, family friends, friends that became friends via other friends, podcasting friends, old friends, and new friends.

Friendship is very important to me. I had a lot of neighborhood friends when I was a kid, and I have great memories of playing flashlight tag and hide-and-seek using our bikes and the entire neighborhood to hide in. I had a best friend, Denise, and had many sleep-overs with her until about 8th grade. After that, I had to struggle to keep friends, and friends were always scrutinized by my step-father. I didn't get to see friends more often than at school or orchestra events. I became very isolated. My senior year of high school I could finally interact as a normal kid again, and one of the high points was having a year-end Orchestra party at my house. From then on out I couldn't have enough friends!

Bret takes friendship a little differently than I do. Where I can embrace many levels of friendship, he likes a small, intimate circle of friends. Naturally that is what makes us clash when I'm ready to throw a big party and he'd rather have no more than 5. Even so, he knows I have a higher social need than he does, and I get my time out with my friends when I need it.

With my children, friendship has been interesting. We live in a time where people from many different parts of the valley can go to the same school. It makes maintaining friendships a little more work, since coordinating times and driving is involved, rather than just going up the block or next door to a friend's (though I'm very lucky that Sam has one of her BF's right next door!). The internet helps too, now with all the social media tools out there friendships can stay strong even when someone moves away or changes schools. Sam also keeps in touch with a friend that moved to Colorado this past year, mostly via Skype. It takes work, but the extra "work" is totally worth it. I think it will help them maintain their friendships even longer.

Even when new friends are made, the old ones will never fade away. It's a great time to be a friend!

40 To 40 Day 28: On Having Daughters

Confirmation Bias was really kicking me in the butt today, which told me it was time to write about this. Anyone who has even been watching 5 minutes of news lately knows that there is quite the anti-women movement going on. And yes, it's anti-women. If you are going to pass laws that take away choices for anyone, you are against that race/gender/sexual orientation. You take away power over their lives.

I link to Debbie a lot, because she has a lot to say. She also doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks. I wish I were that brave. Many tell me I'm opinionated, and that is surely true, but I always worry about what others reading will think. I need to work on that. I tend to be sensitive about other people's feelings, and sometimes I take it too far when I don't have to worry so much. Debbie writes a lot of great things that have made me feel stronger and braver speaking up about, because frankly I agree. I get tired of hearing others mouth off with their own opinions all the time as if it's the only way to live and they are better than YOU because of it. It's not the only way, and no, you are not better than anyone else.

Another friend, Mur, who isn't just a great writer but a great person also wrote about the anti-women movement happening lately, and how it's always been there. She nailed it in the very first sentence. And it's all true, every single word. We are seen as less, treated as less. No this does not mean that everyone (read: every man) sees women this way. You need a big brush to paint this picture, and you can't cherry pick your information. You have to really look at the world and look at history to see the truth. Even the poorest white man didn't have to fight for his right to vote.

I spent almost 17 years in a household where I was treated as less. Where I was raised to think that if I couldn't make it with the one talent I had, I would be a failure at life. I believed it. I saw my mom and my sister treated as less. Our lives were dictated to us. When I met the man who would ultimately start the snowball that started my new life, I didn't realize at the time that he was also holding me down, keeping me from my independence. This wasn't necessarily because he was a bad man. He wasn't. He was just much older than me, and when you're at a different place in your life you want and expect different things.

Once I did get married, it was with someone who was in the same boat as me. Meaning, we didn't really know what the hell we were doing, we just knew it would be the two of us doing it together. But I could still make the choices I wanted to within the marriage. Sure, we struggled with gender roles, but at least we were able to discuss it together, and work it out together.

Now here I am and thanks to the extra X's, I have two daughters. Well, that's just great. Obviously they are not going to have the same upbringing that I did. However, I constantly worry that I'm going to behave in a less-than-independent fashion that they will tap into. I still deal with a lack of confidence in my life, and a lack of worth (hey look another topic to cover!). I never EVER want them to feel that way because of me. They will have enough problems just growing up as females in Arizona, they don't need their mother's insecurities seeping into their psyche. So I try and give them as many opportunities as I can for them to build their confidence and learn about themselves. So far this seems to be happening with the older one more, but she also has a lot of Bret's personality in her. He's got the confidence and drive to push himself, and it shows in Allison. The girl took a plane by herself up the west coast to Alaska last summer and spent two weeks hiking with her Uncle and Grandmother. Hiking equals that plus kayaking and glacier-climbing. Every sport she takes on she seems to master. On top of this she still makes all A's and B's. In a prep school.

Sam is a lot more like me. She sticks close to home, dips her toes in the water but most times doesn't want to jump in. I encourage what I can, and I'm hoping next year when she is at a school with more opportunity she might find a little more confidence in herself. I'm also hoping as I've been working on my confidence lately that perhaps that will seep into her psyche instead of my fears. Still, I can't help but worry as I see how much more passive Sam is.

One thing I know for sure, I will never deny them an opportunity simply because I'm afraid of it myself. They are not me, and they deserve to try anything they want. Succeed or fail in anything they want. Now, affordability is another story...

The other thing I know for sure is I will do my best to educate them enough, to make sure they are empowered enough that the last thing they want to do is settle down in Arizona. Unless the politics here takes a complete 180 turn, I'd never recommend Arizona to anyone as a place to live, if someone was lucky enough to have a choice in where they live.

I hope you'll take the time to read the links here- I also had them on Facebook. My friends know what they are talking about, and I love them for their outspokenness. One more thing I hope you'll check out when you have time- this Ted Talk by Melinda Gates, speaking about the dire need to have birth control be back ON the agenda as a family planning choice, with a world view that is sure to make you think. It's about 25 minutes but very engaging and informative.

Encourage your daughters, encourage your female friends and family members. Stand behind them and support them, because there will be more than enough holding them down in their lives.

40 To 40 Day 27: On Another Lazy Number One Hit Post

Well, only semi-lazy. I'm finding it interesting that for a decade or so I had no idea what was going on with top 40 music. Then as my kids reached 7 or 8 years old, that changed. All of a sudden I started knowing the songs again, because my kids were listening to it!

And most of it sucked. I kept listening though, because connecting with their interests is important to me. For the most part. I gave up on anime. I really can't get into that stuff.

Anyway, as I go down this list of number one songs from 2007, I find I know all but three of them. So, here's what was number one my birthday week the year I turned 35. Can't go wrong with a little JT, even if he's just featured!

40 To 40 Day 26: On A Five-Year Plan

So, where do you see yourself in five years?

Is that question really necessary? I don't like the time frame. Five years is too far out. I like taking things moment by moment, and that time frame really depends on the moment.

Tomorrow I see myself cheering my husband on as he completes his first sprint triathlon.

Next week I see myself running 4.2 miles with my family. Then having a kick-ass party to celebrate my birthday.

In 7 months I get to see the final product of my first year leading a valley tech conference.

Within a year I see myself running my first marathon.

Just a sampling, but if anything else comes up, I'll just take it as it comes. It might make me seem like I do not have any motivations for my future. Really it comes down to just living in the moment and not losing the experience of now because I'm trying to achieve something too far down the line.

If I were going to have any long-term visions of my future, it wouldn't be for my life. It would be for my daughters'. And the only way I want to see them in 5 years is satisfied, healthy, and doing what they want to do as they begin their adult lives.

You can't ask for any more than that.

40 To 40 Day 25: On Happiness

To get right to the point, I think this poster nails what being happy- especially continuously happy- is. I think it does a disservice to reality.

I know, here we go, the bleeding heart liberal is about to pontificate. So what- it's my blog. However, I am only able to tell you what I think. I would never claim to know if I'm right.

I really have no problem with people being happy, actually I wish more would be. I was so happy when my daughter scored a goal at her soccer game today. I am so happy my foster brother arrived today to spend time for my birthday. Being happy is a good, temporary emotion. The problem is when happy people assume that all you need to do is just change your attitude, or your job, or your location and suddenly that will change everything. You know, because they are happy. What I don't think they are paying attention to is that there are some very real problems out there, some very sad situations that you can't just poof away with a big dose of happy. I know this from experience of course, but I think of all the others who need help or are stuck in situations they can't get out of.  Life keeps beating them down. I think of my CASA child whom I try to bring some happiness to, but I know the child can't possibly be feeling happiness with the situation. And I'd never expect it.

Am I saying we should all feel sad? Of course not, and I am not saying no one should feel happy either. To me, feeling happy comes in waves. It's meant to be a temporary emotion. Here's the definition:


hap·py  (hp)
adj. hap·pi·er, hap·pi·est
1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate.
2. Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
3. Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase.
4. Cheerful; willing: happy to help.
5.
a. Characterized by a spontaneous or obsessive inclination to use something. Often used in combination: trigger-happy.
b. Enthusiastic about or involved with to a disproportionate degree. Often used in combination: money-happy; clothes-happy.

Personally, I think it would be exhausting to feel this elation all the time. What I prefer is keeping a cheerful attitude towards life:


cheer·ful  (chîrfl)
adj.
1. Being in good spirits; merry. See Synonyms at glad1.
2. Promoting a feeling of cheer; pleasant: a cozy, cheerful room.
3. Reflecting willingness or good humor: contributed her cheerful labor to the project.

It's a bit more subdued, yet you can maintain a positive attitude towards life. People try so hard to achieve happiness, and have so high of an expectation that if they don't achieve that elation, they feel even more saddened. It's an extreme emotion, like anger. It's meant to pass.

I think if we focused on living life with a steady stream of cheerful versus an elated happy high, the lows wouldn't effect us quite so much. Who knows, we could possibly have a more cheerful society because of it!

40 To 40 Day 24: On Hit Music of 2002

Yeah, I'm being lazy. Shut up Debbie. ;)



What is scary here is now I have the age gap. I've never heard of this chick. When I turned 30 my favorite movie was Moulin Rouge, and I listened  to the soundtrack All. The. Time. I look through the list of what was number one that year, and I know maybe 3 songs.

In 2002 I knew a lot of these songs too. Guess I'm out of lazy hit music topics!

40 To 40 Day 23: On All The Jobs I've Had

In order to the best of my memory:

* Babysitting
* Mesa Symphony
* Bagged groceries
* Grocery store deli
* String Quartet
* Telemarketer
* Librarian for the Lyric Opera Theater at ASU (work study)
* Back to bagging groceries
* Grocery store cashier
* Legal Assistant
* Mom
* Radio Host
* Freelance writing (just one article, but it counts!)
* Volunteeraholic

Best jobs were the ones associated with music, especially the Lyric Opera Theater. I had so much fun being in the pit for these performances, we always had a great time. Worst one was the telemarketing job. At least with this one people answered an ad, so I didn't have to cold call anyone.

How many jobs have you had over the course of your life?  What was the best and worst one?

40 To 40 Day 22: On Higher Education

Most of my childhood I never really thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Once music entered my life and it was discovered I had a talent, I was raised to think that was all I had going for me. If I screwed it up I wouldn't succeed at anything else. During high school while everyone was working towards what college they wanted to go to, I was mostly waiting it out so I could leave home. College just didn't seem part of the equation.

Once I started life with my foster family, I pretty much had one year to figure out all the things my friends had all ready figured out when it came to where they would go after high school. I did enjoy music and knew I was good enough for a scholarship. I looked at universities that had a strong music focus, but at the end it seemed best (safer) to stick close to home. That means I tanked my SAT's, and just barely made the cut on the ACT. So I applied and was accepted to ASU. I also managed to receive a music scholarship which helped cover tuition.

It was scary and exciting, and I even went one step further and stayed in one of the dorms instead of staying at home, which was only a couple of miles from campus. I was doing what any normal person would do after high school- and for me it sucked.

I didn't know the first thing about living on my own. I also was very unprepared for college life and the self-discipline that was involved. I had no study skills, and quickly fell behind in classes. Eventually I just stopped going. That was also when music became more of a chore than fun, and I began to avoid it all together. I lacked a lot of self-confidence and took on too much, and the consequences of that was I flunked out of college my first year.

My foster parents have told me they blame themselves for a lot of this, but you know I don't blame them at all. None of us knew what we were doing, and they were only doing what they did with their other two kids. They have two highly intelligent children of their own and they both went off to prestigious universities. Then there was me, average intelligence and no skills in which to broaden it. I was trying to live up to the wrong standard.

I tried community college for awhile, but by then college started becoming less and less important to me. Eventually Bret and I were living together, and I had a job cashiering at Fry's Food. He graduated from ASU a couple of months after we were married, and for his last semester of student teaching he quit his job and I supported the both of us. My life was going in a different direction, and I didn't worry about higher ed. or a career for several years.

All this time I was cashiering at Fry's, and I was really starting to hate it. Leave it to a bad job to get you thinking about school again. At this point though, college looked really daunting and I still didn't think I had it in me. Then I discovered a trade school where I could get some legal training in just 8 months. I researched the school, talked it over with Bret and also my foster parents. I was a little afraid to bring it up at first, because I felt by going to something less than a university I would be disappointing my husband and family that all had bachelor's degrees. Turns out I was wrong. They all just wanted me to be happy and succeed, and if this was the way then I had their support. I got my mad legal assistant skills, also had a baby in the process, and found a job with a bankruptcy attorney who did debtor work.

When I had the second child, I stopped working and you know the rest of that story. I've had a couple of moments of thinking it would be great to go back to school and finally get a degree. I toyed with my two loves, political science and journalism. But you know, my thoughts on having a career have changed so much since I was cashiering in a grocery store. I look at that cashier job now, and I could totally do it and be perfectly happy. I don't need a college degree or a career to feel successful. With all the extra things I do with the radio and writing and the connections I've made over the years, I have a full social life, and a life full of "hobbies" that I take quite seriously. It's also help me build a resume' that could help me should I want to expand on the hobbies and make it a career.

My feelings on college make it hard to discuss it with my girls. Yes, I want them to go. I still do see the importance, and they of course have a better shot than I did graduating. However, where I separate from my husband is if they said they didn't want to go. I wouldn't have as much of a problem with it as I know he would.

It's just a matter of figuring out what you want in life, and then figuring out how to achieve it. It took me a little longer, but I have no regrets. And I always have options and even things to fall back on should I need them.

Just do what makes you happy.

40 To 40 Day 21: On Losing My Religion Part 2

Part 1 HERE

I like bumper stickers. Those who have seen the butt of my van know this to be true. It's a place to make a statement, just like Tshirts. This one is my favorite, and it keeps me centered when it comes to religion and belief.

When I hit my thirties, I went through another personal struggle. I blame the internet a bit for this. When you first start connecting online, it's a lot to take in at first. The information, the people, the range of thought and opinion- you get really sucked in. If you're in a place where you're not sure what direction your life is going, it's easy to be pulled in many different directions. What I knew for sure is I wasn't happy, and I didn't know what to do about it.

I met some great people over the years online, several I still call friends today. Several I've only met once in person, or not at all. Others come in and out of life but leave a lasting impression. I had many religious discussions and arguments on the Truth Seekers message board prior to the podcast beginning. I had decided at this point that I was definitely searching for something, but I also knew I couldn't just pick a religion and join a church. I didn't go completely off my rocker as in Eat, Pray, Love (I have many issues with her story), but I knew I was searching for... something.

 Eventually my journey brought me to Buddhism. It's sort of a "safe" religion. You find what you need on the inside, within you. A friend bought me a book and CD with some meditations on it, and when I was away at a greeting card convention in NY (yes they have conventions for that!) I tried it out. Have to say it was amazing. I don't think I ever felt so centered and totally in the moment. It was being in the moment and yet again being aware that started bringing me inner peace. I learned to let go of the emotions that do not matter. Put my ego in check, you might say. Now, I no longer meditate regularly, really I don't at all. I have learned how to be by myself and be quiet when I need to. Shut off the computer and the world around me and just sit for awhile. Yeah, I'm a freakin' Zen master. ;)

As I look back through this journey, I have discovered that really, there never was a place for religion in my life. Deep down, I was always skeptical, and I never fully allowed myself to believe in a God. I think it's more accurate to say I was looking for something to prove me wrong in not believing, and I never found it (insert Poison's 'Something To Believe In' here). This isn't to say that I'm not open to it should the proof come to me at some point in my life, but for now, I have to say I'm good putting the search to rest. I love talking religion and learning about other religions in the world, because it is a part of how societies function.  I always want to understand why people believe what they believe.

Today, I know without a doubt that I don't need God or a religion in my life to be happy. I make my own happiness, and I try really hard to find it within me. I have a community of people, both friends and acquaintances that I stay connected to enough online and off, and that brings me contentment. I give back to my community in several different ways, and that brings me fulfillment. I have a husband and two daughters that I will continue to share my life with and love deeply, as well as a very large extended family, and that brings me security. It's just the worship part that I can't bring myself to do.

If you think about it, I'm living my life the way God wants and intends everyone to live, and in that respect I am worshiping Him.

I mean, if I believed in that sort of thing.

40 To 40 Day 20: On Losing My Religion

Religion has always been a fascinating topic for me. I was raised Catholic, and from as early as I can remember going to church was a big deal with my Mom. When we first moved to Arizona we lived in the Southern/Priest area in Tempe, behind Peterson Park. The church we went to was around the 42nd street/Southern area, and most of the time we walked.

I took the faith very seriously. After all, why would we put so much effort into attending church every week if it wasn't important? I went to bible school, and eventually celebrated my first Communion. I don't think I really understood it all, just that everyone else was doing it and it must be pretty special if I got to wear a nice dress. We even had a party after and there were presents! After that I kept going, even the times my mom couldn't make it. By then I was old enough to walk or ride my bike on my own. I don't know why I kept going, just that I had to. I think I also liked the independence of going by myself. Eventually we all stopped going, but the faith stayed with me.

When the abuse began, I did a lot of praying. What else did I have? I couldn't tell anyone, I didn't know how to stop it. All I could do was pray for it to stop. When it finally did come out three years later, I had lots of time in the shelter to think about what sort of God could take so long to answer a prayer. I even went so far as to wonder if perhaps I just wasn't worthy enough, that maybe I was supposed to go through this. Eventually my wonder turned to anger. I felt jilted. I left home on my own, it was me who eventually told someone and tore apart my family. It was me who stood up in court, faced my stepfather and made a statement. If I had stopped praying and found my own strength several years earlier, I wouldn't have had to go through the pain I did all those years. So I let God go.

Over the years after I went back and forth on religion. Mostly it was indifference. We were married in a Catholic church because it was Bret's church and that made it easier to have a place. I went through the motions, but the only thing that mattered were the vows and not the church-related parts. Several years later we were having some problems, and we went out looking for a church thinking we needed faith to save our marriage. I was never comfortable in any church we visited, and we eventually worked through our issues without finding a church. It was in the new century that I found a comfortable place to be spiritually, but even then that didn't stop my questioning faith.

To be continued...

40 To 40 Day 19: On Being A Humanitarian

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorothea_Lange

The past two weeks we've been doing some remodeling to the house. Being at home most of the time, I've been around for most of the process. It's only been 2 guys up until the last couple of days (highly recommend this person by the way, if you ever need some contract work done). The man we hired, A, and the man he brought along to help, J. A (not his real name) is the sweetest man, and I've gotten to know him fairly well since we've been spending 8 hours a day together.

The most amazing thing I discovered is how A met J. J was a manager at a fast food restaurant, and was training A's daughter. It was then discovered that J was pretty much homeless and sleeping out of his car. Without hesitation A opened his home to J and let him stay with his family.

This was a couple of months ago. This story alone is amazing to me. It takes a big heart and possibly some empathy to be able to open your home and life to a complete stranger. Coming from a background where I left home and my future was unknown, I still don't know if I could do that.

I've always been a trusting person. At times overly-trusting. It's bitten me in the butt a few times over the years, but the bottom line is I believe that people are generally good. I try and think about the "whys" of a situation before jumping to a conclusion about a person. The homeless person on the street? It probably wasn't the plan. No one wants to rely on others for help. It's not like the single mother of three working two jobs decided that is what her big dream was in life. Children in foster care didn't make that their top priority when they were born. I'm not interested in a big debate here (maybe some other time though), but I want to show where I'm coming from. We all have the same purpose in our lives, and that is living a happy life. The argument is in the details of how to get there.

Since we all are living for the same purpose, and are in the same boat, I have always felt we have a duty to help. Will the guy at the freeway exit with the sign asking for money use the change to buy alcohol? Maybe he will, but maybe he won't. Are there people who stay on welfare so they don't have to work? Sure there are, but that doesn't mean everyone works the system that way. A lot of people look at anyone struggling and automatically assume that it is something they did, or did not do to themselves. They just didn't try hard enough to keep their job. They should have tried some birth control so there aren't so many mouths to feed, etc. etc. We are quick to judge, and I think we do that so we don't have to feel any responsibility towards our fellow humans. The whole "I made it myself, so you should too" attitude. That is what politicians tap into when they try and pass laws to make social programs harder to access, or cut funding.

We really have to get over ourselves. No one is any better or more deserving than anyone else, but sometimes people need more help than others. We are all unique individuals, and yes we have different levels of what we are capable of. It's unfair to hold that against someone and blame them. We need to have a higher awareness not of everyone's personal situation, but of the fact that everyone has a different reason for being in the place they are. We have to give humanity the benefit of the doubt.

We ended up hiring J to do some extra painting around the house, and in the course of this Bret found out that J has some mental issues he is trying to deal with on top (and probably contributing to) his current situation. J hasn't done the best job painting, and at times we were very frustrated. I had to keep reminding myself (and Bret) that we are still helping him out, even if it's just for a little while.

I have a good life, and I have a happy life. It's not an extravagant life, but it's comfortable, and secure. I can't say enough how grateful I am for it. I want everyone to feel this way, and I will do all I can to give as many as I can a hand up, instead of pushing them down.

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

40 To 40 Day 18: On Hit Music In 1992

Haha! When I turned 20, this was top of the charts baby!
It's wiggitywiggitywiggity wack!
 

 Here's the list for the whole year! 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Hot_100_number-one_singles_of_1992_(U.S.)

40 To 40 Day 17: On Feminism and Raising Daughters

I'm not much of an activist. I mean, I get out there and support causes as much as I can, and I'm always out there rooting for the little guy and the underdog. I realized recently that what is more important to me than getting out there and being loud, is spreading information. I first realized this a few years ago. I went to a protest when GW Bush came to visit a business in Mesa. I went to check it out, and I just didn't feel like screaming and yelling like the rest of the people there. I was more about getting audio and video from the people there. Getting their take on things, then spreading the information to others who might not be there. That is my podcast in a nutshell.
Honestly, when people get too extreme in their activism, it's a real turn off for me, and I do a lot of eye-rolling. I love animals, but PETA is too much. I love the environment, but Greenpeace goes over the top. I understand the right of everyone to own a gun, but the NRA is one dangerous organization. On the other hand, I do understand that at times nothing is going to move forward if you don't make a stink about it. This is why it is SO important to be informed on topics and know what you're talking about.

I'm the same way when it comes to feminism. I sometimes wonder if I would have been one of those bra-burning ladies of the late 60's, or even marching along with women who fought for our right to vote in the early 1900's. It was certainly a different time, and rights and equality for women have come a long way. It's certainly not equal yet. We are still paid less on average, treated as less, and what we do with our own bodies is more in jeopardy today than I've seen in my lifetime.

I think a lot of feminism is a crock too. I've been a "stay at home mom" since my younger daughter was born. That's going on 12 years. I have to put it in quotes because basically all that means is I haven't been bringing in a paycheck. We are extremely fortunate to be able to survive on a one-income salary, and Bret works very hard for that. I also know it sucks for him at times, and I try and keep that perspective as much as I can when I'm grumbling about the carpool or making 4 trips back and forth to the school. Or when I get the occasional sad face when I didn't put anything together for dinner and he's home after a very long day and didn't have time for lunch.

Now, some women might read this and think "well he can make his own damn dinner, why do you have to do it?" And that is where I separate from that thinking. It's not putting me back in the 1950's to live this way. I made the choice to stay at home, and that comes with it's own responsibilities, and yep it happens to mirror what was expected of women a generation ago. I did the career thing too. Just before I was pregnant with my first daughter Allison, I went back to school and got my legal assistant degree from a trade school. I worked for a bankruptcy attorney up until I had Samantha. I commend the women who do both- because it's exhausting. But it doesn't make them any more of an independent woman than I am.

It's all about choices, and doing what you think is best for you, or in many cases, what you have to do. No one else but you and your own.

So here I am raising two daughters to the best of my ability. I have no idea if I know what I'm doing, like everyone else I just use my own experiences and beliefs to hopefully give them the tools they need to make it as adults. Sometimes, I go the exact opposite route of what I was raised with. After all, I certainly don't want them to have the family situation I did growing up- and it's safe to say we beat that. I want them to always know they have the power to make their own decisions, and no one has to hold them back. Not even their parents.

It's about choice. I try and raise my girls with choices. For example, not having any religious belief doesn't keep me from explaining belief to them. My older daughter has experienced a few different churches with friends. My younger one has never had the opportunity, but if one of her friends asked her to go along, I would allow it. If she started believing in a God, I would talk to her about why I don't. I would never tell either of them they were wrong. They need to find out on their own, it's not my place to push it on them. Same with politics. I tell them what I think and what I believe, they can decide what they feel is right when they want to.  I figure if they ever want to rebel, they just have to become Christian Conservatives.

It's hard to put your beliefs about things aside when raising your kids, and I don't think we can totally do it. I'd be lying if I said I did. We all think we know what's best for our children. Thing is, I don't think we do. We know what we want for them, but I don't think we can honestly say it's best. What I do know is that there is still a lot of societal pressure for women today, and I don't expect that to change when my girls become adults. All I can do is show them where to go to gain the knowledge and confidence they need to make it in life and be happy.

Hopefully they will look back and see me as a positive in the way I'm parenting.  I'll update you when I do my "60 To 60" series.

40 To 40 Day 16: On Hit Music Of 1982

Another night in which I am exhausted. So I give you the number one hit this week when I was almost 10!

Ironically enough, it was number one on the charts from March 20 (when I started the 40 To 40 series), until May 8.

Some good songs hit number 1 in 1982. Which ones do you like?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Hot_100_number-one_singles_of_1982_(U.S.)

40 To 40 Day 15: On Music and Escape

In 4th grade the school orchestra came into every class and recruited new members. It was pretty neat, and I was instantly drawn to the instruments. Everyone else was looking at violin, cello, and bass. So I decided that I wanted to play the viola. My parents were cool with it, and we went to Milano's in Mesa and rented an instrument.

Well, without tooting my own horn too much, it turned out I was pretty good, and quickly developed a love for playing. In 6th grade I entered a Concerto Competition at ASU, and won my division. The prize was two weeks at music camp up in Flagstaff, and a nifty trophy. In Jr. High I played in the Metropolitan Youth Symphony also out of Mesa, which is actually where I first met my future foster sister, as well as another life-long friend Tasha (the one who keeps crying over these posts! I just love her!). It's also where I met Aimee, who would end up being quite the rival and really bring out my competitive nature all through high school.

My stepfather really pushed me hard once it was realized I had talent. I was lucky enough to start receiving private lessons in Jr. High from a Professor at ASU, and damn I wish I could remember his name. He's probably passed away by now, I think he was 55-60 when I was seeing him all those years ago.

As with any child though, getting them to practice is difficult, even if they love what they are doing. I started feeling extreme pressure at home too. My stepfather made it very clear that I need to stick to music because it was the only thing I had going for me. Which made me want to practice even less. It actually wasn't until High School that I realized- and wanted- to start paying closer attention to what I was doing.

Part of that was thanks to Aimee. Katie and Tasha can back me up, we were always neck and neck with each other. Whether in the school orchestra, or regionals, or state. We were friends too, so it was friendly competition. As much as we would compete, we'd be right there playing duets together for concerts as well. I loved it- by this time I wasn't just using music for enjoyment, I was using it to escape what was going on in my home at the time too. I loved getting lost in melodies, and of course rehearsals and concerts were all times to be away from home too. The more time away, the better.

I was even professional for a time, during my sophomore year I played in the Mesa Symphony. It wasn't a huge paycheck, but it was a paycheck all the same. I was getting paid to perform! That lasted a season, but it was fun and I even dated a violinist for a short time. A very short time.

My junior year at state will always be memorable, since that is when I was forced to tell an adult what was happening to me. It was my orchestra teacher. My parents had called saying they did not give me permission to make the trip to Flagstaff for the event. Which is true, I forged the document because I wasn't living at home at that time. I was finally pushed into a corner, and I had no choice but to tell. First words out of her mouth were, "I knew it."

So, since I want to stay on topic, let's fast forward to senior year. My competition had graduated, and I was on top of the world. Well, the nerdy orchestra world. I had so much fun that year, because I was really able to shine and I had so much positive support. Me and three others in my class formed a quartet and started playing weddings and receptions (and they played at my own wedding several years later). My orchestra teacher mentored and accompanied me for my music audition for a scholarship to ASU, and I got it. I decided to major in Music Therapy. But by this time my attention was all ready waning away from music. It just wasn't having the same effect on me. I still loved it, and loved playing, but I didn't feel the same need to play.

My one and only year at ASU could attest to that. I couldn't stand my music classes. The only ones I enjoyed were my music therapy ones. Theory? Dreaded. Piano? My short fingers had the hardest time. I began fearing the ASU orchestra, because the conductor warned us that at any given moment he would point to you and you needed to start playing something. So I started skipping rehearsals, and eventually dropped out.

For work-study I did play in the Lyric Opera Theater orchestra, and that was a lot of fun. Was reunited with Aimee again briefly. I was also dating Bret again at that point, and he never missed a performance. Eventually I dropped flunked out of ASU, but that is yet another post for another day.

Now occasionally I take out the viola and play for fun. I've played at my daughter's school several times, and that's probably how it will stay. A hobby that at one time had it's purpose, and I will always be thankful for the escape music gave me when I needed it most.

40 To 40 Day 14: On Politics

I've never been very good at speaking up. I can't think very well on the spot, and I really suck at debate. There are probably a couple different reasons for this. One is that I was raised thinking what I thought didn't matter. We didn't express our opinions, we did what we were told. It wasn't really until I was old enough to vote that I started paying a little more attention, which is pretty typical of everyone at that age I suppose. Of course I've always had a liberal attitude toward the way things are run, so I registered Democrat. I don't think I even realized there were more than two parties out there. Seriously- there are!

I did always love politics though, and even though I wasn't good at speaking up or debating, it didn't mean I didn't have thoughts or opinions. Even took a few courses in community college in Poli-Sci. LOVED those classes.

So for all elections leading up to 2000, it was straight Democrat voting, without really much thought or research. They had enough of my checklist beliefs that I could feel good about my choice. Like I contributed. Besides, everything was awesome in the 90's, right?

Then GW Bush was elected appointed. Sure I was bummed out that my team lost. I still didn't pay much attention. I had two children under 4, a new home, and was pretty much in the family-focus stage. Even after 9/11/01 I was of course very interested in what was happening regarding this new "War on Terror", but as blurbs on the evening news.

Then, in March 2003, the President gave Bret and I a 10 year anniversary gift. He started bombing Baghdad. That definitely ruffled my political feathers a bit more than usual. CNN became my new friend over the morning fluff shows. I had a lot of things brewing that I wanted to speak out about, but still no outlet in which to do so. Bret is nowhere near as political as I am. I usually get a two-minute window then the eyes start glassing over.

In late 2003 I began my social networking career with a business network called Ryze. I had a card design business for a couple of years, and someone introduced me to the site. I just looked at it now and I can't believe how archaic it still looks. Anyway, through that site I discovered a whole new world of... political forums! It was like finding Heaven, if I believed a place existed (that's another post). It was amazing- and wow there are other people out there who think and feel the way I do about things! Wow everyone is so smart! And-

Oh. Wow there are people who think I'm full of shit. But hey that doesn't matter because I have friends now to back me up! I made some great connections through Ryze. Many I still keep in touch with, and even though I still have not met them in person, they are my friends.

Eventually, posting on these networks wasn't enough. I even started my own network so I could control it the way I wanted to. I really believed (and still believe) that no one knows actual truth, but we all spend our lives seeking it. That is how Truth Seekers was born.

By late 2005 podcasting was really breaking out, and I was helping out with a couple of audio drama podcasts. Finally, realizing I had all the tools I needed, and I actually enjoyed speaking (especially about politics!) more than I wanted to admit, I started podcasting Truth Seekers on top of the forum. It also gave me the means to actually connect with some of the people I had only been typing back and forth with.

After that there was no turning back- I loved hearing what other people thought about, well, everything. They loved having a platform in which to speak about what they were passionate about. It really was win-win. It didn't come without controversy or even some awful backlash. Not everyone wants to hear what you have to say, and they will do anything to try and shut you up. That just made me louder, and rather than having them shut me up, I pushed back more, even pitting their harsh words against them. I remained focused on the topic at hand, and eventually the haters shut up. Well, I don't know if they shut up, but I didn't stop worrying about it and listening to it. Want to grow a thick skin fast? Get involved in politics!

I also just realized I seem to have a recurring theme in making sure the voice of the "little guy" is heard. :)

Today, with so many shiny things stealing my focus, my shows aren't nearly as often, but I do talk a lot of local news on KWSS. It's just so important to be informed and know what's going on. The worst thing someone can say is that they don't like politics or avoid news. Politics effects everyone, no matter if it's war, or women's rights, or even education. If you don't stay informed about it, and on top of it, someone is going to pull the wool over your eyes and you're going to wonder why you weren't paying attention sooner. As of now, I don't see myself ever stopping podcasting, or writing, or sharing politics.

There really is no excuse not to know what's going on.

40 To 40 Day 13: On Being A CASA

Lucky 13! I wish I could get these done earlier in the day. I just do not have the time. Honestly this is the only thing I've been able to actually accomplish lately with the craziness of our home remodel. Some women splurge for a tummy tuck or bigger boobs when they hit 40 (both of which I could use). Me? Let's give our floor a makeover instead.

That isn't what I wanted to talk about. I spent this weekend doing some training and visiting with my CASA child. As most of you probably know, back in September I decided to follow this new road and start paying forward some of the good fortune that has been bestowed upon me in my life. If you've been following along, you know why I became a CASA. I knew why I wanted to become a CASA, but I really didn't know the depth of this volunteer position until I began my first case in October of last year. First, some information.

CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate. Their motto is "For The Child", because that is exactly your role. A voice for the child, and the child's needs only. In Maricopa County alone, there are over 7,000 children in the state system or foster care. Just under 400 of them have a CASA. Now, I'm no math wiz so thank goodness the stats are on this website, but that is about 5%. That's not a good percentage.

Now the next question would naturally be, "well, isn't that what a CPS case worker is for?" Do you know how many cases the case manager in my case has? Over thirty. Thirty different children to keep track of, appear in court for.

I have one, and it's my only case until it's finished.  That means until the child is back with their family or in a permanent placement. So I have the time I can give to really get to know the child, and really get a feel for how the child is doing. Since I'm court appointed, I have access to everything and anyone in the case. It's equivalent to having my own child in a way. The badge gives me badass powers.

But with great power truly does come great responsibility. Remaining unbiased is a huge factor. What I put in a court report weighs heavily on a Judge's decision because of my close interaction with the child. Today I spent the afternoon with the child and family, because the goal in every case is to have them reunify with their parents. Doesn't always happen that way, but that is the goal. So this is one of many opportunities to see how the family is together.

It's rewarding and terrifying. I pull from my own experience as much as I can, especially when the child is frustrated at the process. I know you have to be a team player to get through this, but that doesn't make it easy. It's easy to second guess myself though. I'm a being too trusting? Am I getting the whole story? What if I recommend the wrong thing and it just gets worse?

I just want not only my child, but all the children in the system to know they have a shot. Someone is in their corner, and they are worth it. They deserve happiness as much as anyone else, and it's not their fault they are in this position. Over 6,000 kids in Maricopa County do not know this, because they don't have that person in their corner speaking for them. Speaking TO them. Advocating for their future, for their life.

They are worthy of a chance, and I'm going to show every child I can exactly that.

40 To 40 Day 12: On Boyfriends

You know what we're listening to? Air Supply! 

When I was 14 years old and a freshman in High School, I met the man one day I would marry. I was pretty flirty then, and we were on our way to Regionals in February of '87. Bret was in choir and I was in orchestra. Yep- it's a freakin' Glee episode. I sat next to him on the bus as we were leaving and leaned against him, asking if the seat was taken. He said no, and offered me a Certs (I just hope it wasn't because I needed one!). The rest of the weekend we were inseparable other than needing to rehearse and perform.

Within a week we were ditching classes to be together, mostly because with my home situation I wasn't really allowed to do much. I was allowed to go with him to his Jr. Prom. That summer Bret went to visit a friend of his in Hawaii, and we wrote back and forth to each other continuously. Written by HAND with a pen. Well, for a lot of it. That was also the year we got our first computer so I did write a few letters on the Apple IIC (see I owned an Apple computer once!).

Anyway, once school started again we still wanted to see each other, but my step-father didn't want that anymore. I tried to make it all work, and I think the only reason Bret and I worked concessions at our school football games was so we could have that walk home through the park together. But when your crazy parent starts showing up at school to make sure you aren't seeing each other between classes, and following you home to make sure no one is with you, well, it gets a little exhausting. I finally gave up, and ended it. It was easier, and I had a secret I couldn't let out.

Obviously, we got another shot, but not until I got my problems taken care of. Oh yeah, and we were both seeing other people. I have to say I'm pretty happy it worked out the way it did. Some would call it meant to be or soulmates. I look at it like we got a second chance at a first time.

So now here I am a parent of a nearly 15-year-old girl, who is totally gaga over her boyfriend. I don't blame her, he's a cutie. AND the sweetest guy. He's so kind and thoughtful and good to her. When Allison took that knee to the head at her game last week, the second the whistle blew signaling the end he was up and by her side. I like him. It takes some maneuvering so they can see each other since they are at different schools, but that's ok. I like being in control of when they see each other. ;)

He really reminds me of Bret at that age. Just a good, kind of quiet, decent guy. The crazy part is, it doesn't freak me out that my daughter has a boyfriend. I talk to my girls, and I'm so open with them they talk to me too. The last thing I want to be is the overprotective parent, but I do want to be involved. I all ready know I won't be the crazy parent like I had. I also knew I was doing just fine when I got a text from my daughter after her first kiss. That's how you know you're trusted.

Kids have to be kids, and kids have to be allowed to grow. They also have to be allowed to fall in love and most likely have their heart broken. I just keep on the sidelines, always watchful and there when I'm needed.

If she gets another knee to the head I'll be right there on the field to help her up.

40 To 40 Day 11: On Being Comfortable In Your Own Skin

We have a select few reality shows we watch. The Biggest Loser is one of them. Actually we only began watching a few seasons ago, but we like it. I like watching the transformations, and I always feel motivated as well. Seriously, if a 250-300lb person is running on a treadmill at an 8 or 9 with a 10% incline, I just need to shut the hell up right? The things I do not like about the show is when they have to add the reality show drama for ratings. Whatever, I skip through those parts when I can. I also really do not like their makeover show either. I do get it, you lose all that weight in such a short amount of time, and hell, you deserve to get a new hairdo and outfit to show off the new you. Reality shows might be staged to a large extent and fake, but you definitely can't fake that sort of weight loss. But what I don't like is the need to transform them into something they might not be comfortable being

This season there is a woman, Chris, who is 42 years old. She is also as grey as I am. She looks pretty good now as she's lost so much weight. The next episode of the show is the makeover episode, and my very first thought was "I hope they don't dye her hair." I will be very disappointed if they do.

I stopped coloring my hair about a year ago. I never really liked doing it anyway. For many years prior I had been donating my hair to Locks Of Love, so I never made hair appointments or went and "got my hair done." I just go to Fantastic Sams and boom it's done. I always used the box color that would wash out after a month. Pre-running, I felt a great need to keep up with it. It was because I wasn't happy with myself. I didn't like the way I looked or felt, and knowing how grey I was underneath just made me feel worse. Plus, I had more time to do it, because I wasn't out being active. As I became more grey over time, it became harder and harder to cover, but I never wanted to go permanent. I also would never pay all that money to have someone else do it every 6 weeks. It's such a waste for such a short amount of time. To cover something that EVERYONE KNOWS IS THERE ANYWAY. A 60-year-old woman coloring their hair doesn't look 10 years younger to me, she looks like a 60-year-old woman who colors her hair.

So I stopped. That was the easy part. The whole process took about a year, and well, there isn't exactly any way to hide what you're doing. It looked awful for awhile (yes I do actually care about my appearance), and I looked like a skunk for a lot of months. I definitely wanted to give up and just color again. Two things kept me from doing it: having to start the process all over again, and my daughters. I don't want them to feel they have to hide who they are and look a certain way. I don't want them to think they need to look younger to feel good about themselves. I want them to be happy with who they are as they are, no matter what age.

I also know it won't stop them from doing it anyway. Allison all ready wants to dye her hair this summer, and I'm cool with that. This is just fun messing around coloring. But when they start going grey (and thanks to my genes they will, sooner rather than later), I want them to know that those who love them will still love them regardless of their hair color. There is no one you need to impress. Be comfortable in you own skin and that will shine through.

Sure, my grey might make me look older, but so what? Am I older? No. I'm still 39 for 29 more days, and my age will always be my age no matter how I look. What's important is that I don't feel older than I am. Eventually my age will catch up with my grey, and hey, it still won't matter.

Actually, even with all the aches and pains that come with getting older, I feel better now than I did even in my 20's. And I was skinny and dark-haired then, but not a very active person. I love the woman I have been becoming over the past few years, and if I were big on regrets, one would be that I didn't always have this lifestyle. But life is too short to look back, you have to keep moving forward or you are just going to be stuck holding that box of hair color and wondering where your life went.

So take that, getting older. I win.

40 To 40 Day 10: On Hit Music of 1972

I really don't feel like writing about one of the many topics on my list tonight, so I will cheat. This was the number one song this week the year I was born:

March 19 – April 8 1972
America - A Horse With No Name
3 weeks at number 1

40 To 40 Day 9: On Getting Rid Of The Clutter

As I write these daily installments leading up to the big 4-0, I'm noticing that I really tried to make up for what I was lacking in my childhood. Tangible things became very important, because although I wasn't lacking a lot of things as a young child, there were significant things that happened in my life in which I (and my family) suffered loss.

In Jr. High my step-father decided to give the restaurant business a go. So he took out loans, and bought a place on Priest and Southern in Tempe, in the REI center.

Well he had big dreams, and his business sense did not match it, and eventually it failed. Then we lost our house, and moved into an apartment. Lived there for a couple of years, and during my sophomore year of HS a fire broke out in one of the other apartments. The entire complex was destroyed, and all of our things were ruined, mostly by water damage. I lost my viola, which at the time was the most precious thing to me. I still have my old sheet music, and you can still smell smoke on the pages. Very faint but it's there.

Through the kindness of strangers we were donated clothing and toiletries, and were able to stay with family members until we found another place to live. At school, a fund was started towards getting a new viola. Finally we moved to another apartment, and were able to get ourselves back on our feet. Temporarily. Then of course when I left home and eventually became Arizona's child, I hardly had anything at all. A little more than the clothes on my back.

Once I was given things, even the basic of things like clothes to last me through an entire week, I was sort of like a person who skips a meal and then over eats at the next one because your body is in starvation mode. My foster-parents did their best to teach me about money and saving, but give a newly-freed teen a dollar and she'll spend twenty. When I went off to ASU, I got my first credit card...

A few years later I marry Mr. Frugal. As in any marriage, money was one of the top two things we would argue about, but I think we both taught each other things as well. Bret taught me about saving, and saving the money to spend on the big things. I taught him that sometimes splurging on the little things isn't a total waste, and buying for others is also good too. I still liked my things though. Every year I was out early shopping the day after Thanksgiving, and the day after Christmas too. To buy stuff I didn't need, that just took up space. Add on to that children and all the things that go with them. We were drowning in things!

So what turned me around, what made me realize that I needed to clear the clutter? Of all the things in the world, running. Through running I began to clear the clutter from my mind. It's just me, and it was good. I started feeling better, and looking better. In that I found I needed less tangible things to hang on to. The things were my security, I was always afraid to let them go. I slowly realized I didn't need them. So I started purging. Who wants to waste time with stuff? What value does it hold? I've taken photos of some items so I'll remember them. Especially things the kids have made. I keep some items for my daughters though, if they want them someday. But clothes, shoes, make-up, if I'm not using it regularly or wearing it regularly it's gone.

So now we're currently installing new flooring in the house. Getting rid of the 13-year-old carpet and who knows what crap has accumulated with it. As I look at our living room and garage which holds all the contents of our upstairs, I'm getting antsy. So much stuff. There is no WAY I am putting all of it back, and several bags/boxes of stuff have all ready been donated. I emptied an entire cabinet just so we could get rid of it and free up the space for.... nothing. I get excited thinking about the huge China cabinet in our living room, and can't wait to tackle all the things in there.

I still can't part with my books though. Especially my Stephen King hard cover collection. :)

Clear your mind of clutter. Clear your body of clutter. Clear your life of clutter. It took me nearly 40 years to work all of this out, to let go of the attachment. I'm hoping some of this will rub off on my children. They have certainly not been deprived in their lives, and I hope they won't take that for granted.

40 To 40 Day 8: On Feeling Grumpy

There is a well-kept secret about me that I'm going to reveal now.

Ok, seriously, if you believe that, then you really are reading the very first thing EVER that I've posted anywhere on the net.

I'm not a really private person. I'm just not. I've never been. I think a lot of it might have to do with keeping a really terrible secret for so long. It weighs you down, consumes you. So I choose to share, be open, at times overshare.

This includes the good, bad, and whiny. Why do I do it? Well, for one thing, I like connecting with others. The more the merrier for me. And what you see is what you get. The last thing I want is to not be the same in person as I am online. I actually might be a little quieter in person, but that is simply because I like to observe and listen. But I think it is safe to say that when someone who met me online finally meets me in person, they all ready know me.

That includes the grumpy side. You know those people who only post happy things? It's only about how great their life is, or OMG my husband is so amazing ALL THE TIME, or I have the best kids in the universe? Yeah, that annoys the crap out of me. Not that it's all not true, but because that only gives me one side of a person. How can I decide if you are a person I want to get to know better if I only see that? Or I only see the grumpy side? No way. If you're going to use social media, then USE social media. Show me who you are.

Back to the grumpy. I've been grumpier than usual lately. I usually realize this when my friend Scott comments on one (or all) of my grumpy updates with "#firstworldproblem." Yeah yeah, bite me. Things have been crazy upside down lately. We've been doing some home upgrades, and everywhere we turn we are tripping over something. It's seriously an episode of Horder's in the house. I'm definitely a believer now in how living in clutter can clutter your mind too, because I can hardly think straight.

Another reason for "The Grump" is my physical activity. This happened last year after I ran a half-marathon. My activity dropped, and because my eating levels remained the same well, weight was gained. This time my activity has dropped even more with all the other things happening. I just can't focus or leave the house very often while people are working in it.

It's not just the weight gain though- it's how I feel. It feels so good to exercise. Not just run, but lift weights and just be active. There is no better drug, and I feel so amazing when I'm out there moving. I feel strong. I just feel blah lately. Frumpy, sluggish, unmotivated. I remember this is how I felt prior to beginning this running thing over two years ago. And it sucks. I feel like crap.

Today while I was at the gym (once I motivated myself enough to get there) my head cleared a bit. Maybe it was a good thing I got a taste of how bad I used to feel. Not quite rock bottom, but enough of a reminder to perhaps kick me in the butt, reevaluate how I can organize my days until the work in the house is finished.

Time to quit being grumpy and get my ass moving.

40 To 40 Day 7: On Having A Theme Song

A little lighter note for tonight's installment. This song is just plain.... FUN.  This version is pretty cool too, although I love the original video.

And I don't care if it's about you whippersnappers out there without a care in the world, because I still feel that way. Even more now than I did 5 years ago. In some cases, 15.

I'm turning 40, and I am young.

Let's set the world on fire.

 

40 To 40 Day 6: On Being A Foster Child

I just want to say up front that as I talk about this, my birth-mom and I have worked past all of this many MANY years ago, and we have a very close relationship. There is no resentment, no abandonment issues, no animosity on my end.

I'm not going to get too deep into how I become a foster child. That will be coming, because I'm more serious than I've ever been about turning my story into a book. I'll start with the afternoon I first went into a shelter. It was the day before I turned 17. April 27, 1989. Happy Birthday to me, right? I had been staying with my 25-year-old boyfriend for a few weeks prior (this was approved by CPS- go AZ!) while they waited for a space to open up for me.

Being a Ward of the State really sucks. No matter your age, you are following the same rules in-house that a 6 year old would follow. I did get some allowances due to my age. I was able to stay in my high school, and I took the bus to and from the shelter. My case worker picked me up for any doctor or therapy appointments I had. When school ended, we all had to go to the Boys and Girls club. Since I was the oldest, I didn't have to participate, but I did work as a volunteer. I really enjoyed that. I basically just stayed quiet, followed the rules and didn't rock the boat. After seeing a couple of kids run away from the shelter, I figured out really quick that it would work in my favor to be a team player, no matter how frustrating the situation was to me.

The uncertainty of my situation was always looming in the background.   I felt out of contact with any family, and information was given to me sparingly. So imagine my surprise when before school ended I was told that there was a family out there who was interested in taking me in. I was even more surprised when I found out it was a friend of mine who I was in orchestra class with- the always kind of quiet and reserved Katie Radin. We were never really close friends (it's so weird typing that now), but always part of the same group that hung out together. I didn't even really know her parents very well. But I was excited- and nervous. I knew I had family in New York that was more than willing to take me in, but with all the changes that were all ready happening, I liked the idea of staying where things were all ready familiar to me. I could finish up at my high school where my friends were. I could still see my brother and sister who were still with my Mom. Eventually, I was able to re-establish my relationship with her too.

After that, details are sketchy to be honest. I barely remember going out for dinner and meeting the people who will become more family to me than I ever could have imagined. I know we had Chinese food. Other accounts might tell you I had a "deer in the headlights" look to me. Soon we were approved to have weekend visits, which is how I spent the end of the school year and the first part of the summer. By mid-summer I moved in, as they were finishing up certification and getting the house ready to pass inspection.

Which was hilarious in itself. Remember the blanket rules that apply to everyone no matter your age? Well, same with home inspections and what's required. So this 17-year-old girl had to live in a home where all dangerous liquids were locked up tight- and I'm not just talking about liquor. Cleaning supplies, laundry soap, it all had to be under lock and key (the ongoing joke in the family was about my huge laundry soap habit). However, as soon as the home inspection was over, they were never locked up again.

It was also the beginning of re-meeting family on the east coast that I never saw much of growing up. I was reunited with my Dad and that side of my family, as well as my aunts and grandparents on my Mom's side. I spent two weeks in New York in the summer of '89, and it was overwhelming and awesome.

I came home with 2 new ear piercings and in contact with about a hundred more family members again. The piercings were just the beginning of going through pretty much ALL of my teen years during my senior year of high school... and the piercings were on the easier end of it all.

But THAT, my friends, is a story (or set of stories!) for another time. Overall, I was one of the lucky ones. So many kids slip through the cracks, are forgotten and just age out of the system and have nothing. Or they bounce from home to home until they age out. Or they age out and end up in jail, or in the same situation that put them in the system in the first place as a kid. I try and be grateful every day for how my life turned out, and most of you know I'm finally at a place where I can pay it forward when I became a CASA last fall.

It's all about the children. There's no future for anyone if we don't take care of them. I know this from first hand experience.

40 To 40 Day 5: On Missing My Foster Dad

Every year on our wedding anniversary, we have always watched our video. For the past 5 years, it's become more and more bittersweet to watch. Of course it was a happy day, but so much has changed  it's become more of a memorial to those we've lost over the years. I understand it's natural, that's what happens over time. However, when you have friends you've lost touch with, a father who has passed away too soon, and a couple family members who won't even talk to you... well, it brings up an interesting mix of emotions. We haven't watched the video yet this year, and I honestly haven't pushed to watch it. I hope Bret isn't offended by this. It's just, difficult.

Tonight we went to a wedding reception for a couple of friends of mine, Tyler and Katie. Two amazing people that I am so glad I know. I was doing JUST FINE until Katie's dad made a little speech, and they both started crying. Not a dry eye in the place, honestly. Then as they danced together, I saw him singing the words of the song to her. Naturally being fresh off of our anniversary, Dad was all ready on my mind. But watching Katie and her father dance the ache was there.

Bah- I miss him. That's really all there is to it.

Maybe that's a reason to watch the video after all.

40 To 40 Day 4: On Making Memories

Last night's post from the movie theater was really just so I didn't get behind so soon in my "40 Day Series".  Now I can expand more.

I had a very sheltered childhood. I wasn't allowed to do much. I wasn't trusted, the people I had as friends were not trusted, which naturally caused me to act out in some pretty devious ways. I didn't experience a midnight movie until I was 17 or 18. That was back when they did them all the time at theaters, not just for big premieres.

My daughters all ready are out there doing so many things I that I wish I had been able to do at their age, I hope they understand just how lucky they are! That was one of my promises to them though when they first came into my life- I would do my best to give them all I didn't have, treat them with trust. I certainly don't mean spoiling them, though when I compare their childhood to my own, normal IS spoiled. And that's ok.

I want them to have these memories. I want them to remember when the big movie they have been anticipating seeing for months finally came out, they saw the very FIRST showing. I want them to look back on camping trips and vacations fondly. Hell I want them to look at the regular days fondly. When or if they have children, I would rather they use their memories as ideas because they loved it as a kid, rather than as making their children's lives better than their own.

It's your childhood that shapes who you are as an adult. I know from experience it's a lot harder to reshape yourself once your childhood is over. The memories we make together as a family are as important as anything else that will shape the women they are quickly becoming.

Try and make every day a memory to look back on and smile.

40 To 40 Day 1
40 To 40 Day 2
40 To 40 Day 3

40 to 40 Day 3: On Midnight Movies

Well here I am, sitting here in line waiting for The Hunger Games to begin. It is Sam's first midnight movie, and she is on excitement overload.

 And this is why I am sitting here on the concrete floor in my pj's in a crowded theater.

Trying to type this on my cell phone because I really don't want to skip a day. Sometimes being the cool Mom is fun. ;)And she will always have the memory. Ask me how I feel tomorrow! I could be too old for this.

40 To 40 Day 2: On My Earliest Memories

I don't have many memories before moving to Arizona. I was born in Staten Island, NY. Lived in Brooklyn for awhile (I think). Then when my mom remarried we lived in Pennsylvania, but I don't think it was very long. I don't remember anything about living in NY other than from what was told to me and via photos. I remember my Dad coming for visits, and chewing gum that had the liquid inside, and how everyone would laugh at the face I made when I bit into it.

I remember the morning we began the trek from PA to AZ. I was around 4. The boy who lived next door was Danny. I guess we got along ok, because I remember being very upset saying goodbye to him, and watching out the back window as we drove away.

I remember camping on those nights during the trip, and sitting in front of the campfire, worried that an ember was going to set me on fire. Once we were settled in AZ, I remember having to wait in the car with my baby sister while my stepfather picked up Mom from the hospital after my brother was born. She cried and cried. That was April of 1977, so I was just about to turn 5.

Those are my earliest memories. What are yours?

40 To 40 Day 1: On Being Married Half My Life

Here we are- the last 40 days of my 30's. Well, technically it's 39 days, but whatever. I wanted my last post in what I'm calling "The 40 To 40 Series" to be on my birthday. So it is what it is. Most people enjoy reflecting when they get to a milestone birthday. I have been reflecting on turning 40 for several months now, and thought it would be neat to count down, having each day being a different topic of all the things that shaped the woman who is sitting here now writing. Pretty much doing this for myself, but you are certainly invited to take the journey back and forth with me. There is no specific agenda, no order of topics. It's just what I feel like musing about for the day. Some might be short postings. More often they will be long. Even more often I'll probably forget to do this. Let's see what happens!

So, since today happens to be a special day in itself, I will start with our 19th wedding anniversary. Yep, on March 20, 1993 a very young, not even old enough to drink legally (I'll let you do the math, I gave enough clues!) girl walked down the aisle (in a Catholic Church no less!) to share her life with her High School sweetheart. I couldn't even tell you who that girl is now- she doesn't seem like me at all anymore. Other than the fact that she still loves her man!

Today, getting married so young is a strange concept. In the late 80's and early 90's, it seemed like the next reasonable step. I knew two others who I went to high school with who were married within a few years of graduation- one of them a few weeks after! I also wasn't in college at the time we married- the college thing didn't exactly work out for me. More on that another day. But we knew we wanted to be together, so we did it. Then I helped him finish college. ;)

It's pretty interesting, growing up while married. Discovering who you are while married. Making small and big mistakes while married (and actually staying married!). Learning independence while married. All of the things you usually figure out before marriage. I still had a lot of baggage and growing up to do, so learning that balance between taking care of me and taking care of us was not always the easiest lesson. 

And while I was doing all of this, Bret stayed the same. I mean, he hasn't changed at all. I'm not kidding. If you've known him 10 years or longer, tell me am I right? He has had to adjust his thinking a little, especially as I go through what seems to be my never-ending saga of  "what do I want to be when I grow up?" All I know is that when I look at him, I am in disbelief that he's put up with me for so long, and I feel a little undeserving.  Overall, I like having a stable place to be. I went through a lot of instability as a child, so I'm sure that plays into this too. Some would look at decisions I've made as backing down or giving up, but I look at it more like choices. It doesn't have to be 100% independent woman, all the time. As with anything, if something is important enough, I'll stand up for it. 

Now I've caught up to him, and we seem to be meshing pretty well into middle-age together. I'm not so hung up on things that when I look back are pretty superficial. I enjoy a cozy home-body life, just like him! I'm way more laid back than I used to be. However, when I need to go be social, I can go be social guilt-free. There are times I do wish he would join me, but it's cool if he doesn't. When we do go out, we still have a pretty good time together. Hehe- even when we stay in we still have a pretty good time *nudge nudge wink wink*! I could go on and on about all the rest.. best father in the world, blah blah blah... but it really goes without saying. Which I said anyway. Heh. 

Knowing that I will be someone has only spent 20 years of her life single isn't a daunting thought. It isn't a regretful thought. It makes me smile. I can't wait to find out what's in store for us as our kids continue to grow up and give us back our freedom. I know it won't be clear sailing for the rest of our lives, but there isn't another person I want to sail with! 

Putting The Positive Spin On Failure

"How you enter a situation determines the outcome."

This was said during one of the presentations during my CASA training. This can apply to just about any situation in life, I think. It certainly applied to the 10k I didn't run on Sunday. Yeah, didn't run.

I was pretty excited when I signed up in January. I decided The Lost Dutchman is going to be the marathon I run next year for my first marathon when I'm 40. So I figured a 10k would be a good way to check it out and see what the race  is like. I all ready know it's beautiful. The desert lacks so much beauty so much of the year, I want to have a decent backdrop when I'm running 26.2.

The downward spiral started when I realized that no one was signing up with me. My friends were scared off by running the half marathon last month. Seriously, they may never run again. Their loss. ;) So, first thing was running with no one there. Sure, I end up running alone anyway. But knowing someone else is THERE is quite motivating. Then as the day closed in I found out my family wasn't going either. My younger one wanted to, but I am not quite comfortable yet with leaving her in a crowd of people while I go run (I don't think she's quite comfortable with that yet either).

I tried to get into a better frame of mind. Make it a personal challenge, get my first official 10k time. Enjoy the day, enjoy the surroundings. Nah, none of it worked. From the moment I woke up I felt totally alone. Worse, I felt unsupported. Totally fabricated in my brain, but all the same it's how I felt. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, and saw all the groups of people who came together, the families, etc., I just kept on spiraling.

Then the back pain started. It was pretty cold before the sun came up, and I left my jacket in the car. And my money, so I couldn't buy a cup of coffee to warm up. So I stood and kept moving around, which started putting pressure on my back. Seriously, running is the only thing good for my body. Standing hurts. Walking hurts. Biking hurts. Running works!

After an hour of waiting, I was pretty tight and no amount of stretching was helping. By the time the race started I began by walking. Half a mile into it I went into a slow jog, but it was no use. The pain, plus my mental state at watching the happy people around me with all their friends did their damage. I went back to walking, but by then it hurt too much to even do that. When we passed the parking lot at the mile mark, I turned and went back to my car, crying like a whiny loser baby.

So there it is. I lost my first race. Even walking the whole thing would have been better than quitting, but I quit. It feels awful. All I could tell my kids when they asked how it went was "ok", because I was too ashamed to tell them I quit. Eventually I did tell them, once I finished wallowing in self-pity.

Really, it's a learning experience, as is everything. What did I learn? If something is important to me, I need to express that more clearly. I said it was ok that my family wasn't there. When I got there, I realized that it wasn't ok. I honestly didn't know it would bother me as much as it did, but regardless- say what you mean!

Also, if I don't have a buddy to run these races with me, or at least someone coming to meet me at the finish line, then I won't do them. Races to me are how I show how my training and hard work pay off, and yes it seems selfish but I want to share that with someone. More importantly, I need the support. It's motivating, and also way more fun than just going to these events by myself. Sure I like the solitude of running, but races are different. Most of the time I feel really alone because I don't think anyone loves running the way I do. It always means so much when I know there's support out there waiting for me at the finish line. Perhaps I'll get past that at some point, but for now, that's what I need. What I want.

Moving forward now- and I think I'll put the phrase on a plaque:

"How you enter a situation determines the outcome."