Monday, July 31, 2006

The Day That Turned Into Days

A word of advice. Do not pick the night before driving 6 hours to San Diego from Phoenix to have an extreme case of insomnia. I managed a half an hour- 30 freaking minutes. Why does that happen when you've got shit to do? My mind for some reason would just not shut down. Normally, it wouldn't matter so much, being summer break and the kids being able to maintain their own life support for the most part now. But for once I needed to be coherent... ha.

I was thinking about friendships and relationships alot. And expectations. And how sometimes a relationship seems like one thing, then the veils are lifted and a person's true colors shine through. Sometimes it is exactly what you thought it was- a true friendship, and as the months and years go on the bond grows ever strong and true. Other times you reach out to that friend, and when they finally turn around you have no clue who that person is anymore. Then you feel foolish that you ever thought it was any different. Especially when you try to explain what you're thinking to that person. If they are set in their ways, it won't matter what you say. They are who they are, and really all you can do is choose how you are going to relate to them in the future.

I believe in equality and responsibility in relationships. All relationships. Romantic, friendship, business, it doesn't matter. Don't be emotionally dishonest, because your partner will trust you before distrusting you. It's misleading.

In the end, it does come down to one person. You. You are the only person ultimately responsible for you. You can't have anyone else be responsible for your feelings and how you relate to someone. If you try to push it onto someone else, then you are the one being emotionally dishonest. Not only to the other person, but to yourself.

That's not who I want to be. I value and respect myself too much for that. I've come too far in my path and my journey to fall backwards emotionally like that. I was told recently that because of my past I do just that. It made me angry, because I don't think it's true. I know because I feel who I am, feel it inside me. And I don't dislike the person I am at all. As a matter of fact I love the person I am very much. But that person saying those words to me did force me to look inside to check myself.

Emotional status checks are a good thing every now and again. It should be planned with your dental checkups.

And THIS is what causes insomnia folks. LOL! OK, day one San Diego: the drive there was eh, due to lack of sleep and the general grumpiness that ultimately follows. Bret got angry at my vague shortcut directions Rob had given me for going on a different highway, and thought we were lost after driving about 10 minutes after leaving Maricopa. So before calling Rob to verify we were going in the right direction, Bret pulled over into this neighborhood- and OMG I can't even call it a neighborhood because there were FOUR houses. One of which hada statue of a green alien with big black eyes in the front yard. I looked at Bret and said, "Oh no you're NOT doing this." I mean fuck, it had horror-movie premise written all over it!

"No, I'll go to that house- there are kids toys out front."
Oh. THAT makes a difference? At the same time Sam needed to go to the bathroom. Bret goes to get her out of the car too- and I'm like "oh HELL no," again. So Bret walks up to the door, and I'm looking around for Leatherface, just waiting for the chainsaw sound....

Fortunately no one answered, and Rob called back and we were on the right road. I just didn't write down that we needed to drive about 40 miles before hitting the interstate. Heh, so much for cutting a half hour off our trip.

We made it to San Diego around 4:30, called Rob, and he met us at our hotel so we could go to dinner. He took us to LaJolla to see the seals gather on the beach. The girls thought it was the most amazing thing, and were so excited to see Ocean. We went down and stuck our feet in, but the tide was starting to come in fairly high, so feet turned into wet bottoms on the girls. (THIS short-person's bottom managed to stay dry...) Then we walked uphill and had dinner. I splurged (with permission, hehe) and had LOBSTER. Mmmmm..... a whole lobster dinner for $25? Who could pass that up? Other than those who don't like lobster, of course.

Rob looks so much better than when we saw him in June. The color is back in his face, and his appetite is back too. I told him I was gaining weight as a sign of support. The girls of course were all over him, they love their Godfather so. It's really beautiful to see.

Now, I must collapse. But I needed to pen my thoughts so I can (hopefully) have a clear head tonight. Yes- PEN! GOD I need a laptop. Hell I don't even need internet on the thing, just a word processor so I can type my journal entries and transfer them to the blog later.

Tomorrow- Legoland and Dinner with Jenn and Omar!

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