After The Storm

Fantastic storm blew in yesterday afternoon, hung out all night with rumblings of thunder, and all through today. It broke up by this evening, and when I caught the pink glow out of the corner of my eye through the window, I had to grab the camera and take a few shots...it was too beautiful to pass up.

First storm since the monsoon that actually felt cleansing, and also much much cooler. Had the windows open and just felt the breeze all day... sigh...

Peeking between the trees and homes

From the back porch

I ran upstairs to take this from the bedroom window

This one as well.

Your mind can be your greatest friend

If your mind becomes firm like a rock
And no longer shakes
In a world where everything is shaking,
Your mind will be your greatest friend
And suffering will not come your way.

-Theragatha

A musical tale

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

Listen to the chimes of our heart and soul

From an email list I am on...


I Will Connect With You

I like my ability to be able to connect with people. It is like reaching out to humanity and proclaiming “"I am here for you"”. I am not here to judge you. Others will certainly step into that position gladly. I am not here to reject you; too many people have already done that. I am not here to change you. My quest is simply to change myself. I am hoping that the beauty of you will change me.

Every soul is beautiful. Every soul has something to offer. By getting to know you, you will indeed impart some of that beauty onto me. I am not here to impose society norms upon you. You know what they are already. You know what is expected of you and if you can deal with them or not. I am not here to listen to what the world has to say, but to hear what is in your heart.

So long we have buried our true feelings to please others. We have listened to family, friends, employers, and society in general. Many times these influences were well intended and at other times they were not. It is not to say that we did not grow and learn from our lifeÂ’s experiences. We would not be the wonderful people we are today if it were not so. But sometimes we cared so much about what other people thought of us or what we thought about others that we forgot the most basic truth. We forgot to nurture who are as well. We gave all to others and forgot about ourselves.

Now we must begin the journey to heal from past hurts and move forward. We must grow like a flower; re-learn who we are and what we want from life. Like that beautiful flower we must bloom to perfection, in the image of our creator. We must listen to the chimes of our own heart and soul.

Your journey is not my journey. My journey is not your journey but our journey has a common goal and a common function. We strive to be the best that we can be. We strive for happiness and the ability to express our true hearts. When we are happy with ourselves, happiness in turn radiates from us. We become a beacon of love spread throughout the universe. Each single slice of joy, laughter, love and kindness we share with the world causes a ripple effect upon the sea of humankind. Soon other people will emulate the beacons of love that we have become and they too will join our love fest. The ripples will become tidal waves of love and understanding throughout the world and the world will truly become a better place.

My journey is not your journey. Your journey is not mine. However, I take comfort in the belief that all paths do lead to the one. Your path will take you down the road of love and understanding and my path will lead me to the same.

We may be at very different points in our path. One of us may be at the beginning, the other closer towards the end. We both will face obstacles, sometimes feeling the pressure and wanting to turn back, other times wanting to take the fork in the road that leads to the easy way out. But together we will make it as we continue along the path.

If I stumble you will pick me up. If I am ahead of you I will come back for you. We will meet each other half way as our souls connect. I promise I will hold your hand along the way if you promise you will hold my heart.

~~It reminds me of a favorite quote of mine:


You are me and I am you.
It is obvious that we are inter-are.
You cultivate the flower in
yourself so that I will be beautiful.
I transform the garbage in myself so
that you do not have to suffer.
I support you you support me.
I am here to bring you peace
you are here to bring me joy.

~Thich Nhat Hahn

Overload! Overload!

I am drained. I faced some big issues with myself this week. Yours truly may actually step foot inside a church because of one of these issues. I wish I could let my cynicism of religion go and not cloud my vision, because I feel like a hypocrite, and that disgusts me more than anything. This weekend is being spent with considerable downtime, and NOT religiously focused. And sleep, lots of sleep.

Last night on Bill Maher they went into the religion discussion talking about the new Supreme Court nominee. It was EXACTLY, almost word for word, the argument I had been having. Maher took my position, and Andrew Sullivan and Ben Affleck got very offended by the things he was saying. Which was everything I have said in the previous posts here.

What really got me was my reaction while watching. Sullivan and Affleck got very offended by his words, and said so. Said that people in religions would also be very offended by what he was assuming. (This was said to me too.) That religions ultimately did good, and the few extremists made it look bad for everyone, and that was not the case... etc. etc.. The thing of it was, I was listening to Maher defend his position, and thinking that he wasn't listening to what the other two were saying. It was extremely different to be an outsider looking in at the same exact argument. Perspective is everything.

Then I started giggling at my mini-revelation. I swear, if there weren't a four hour time difference and a country separating us, I would have made a phone call. I should tape it and send it to him.

I've emailed the church about taking some of their classes. It feels the safest to me right now, rather than going to a service. I can pick and choose, and not have to deal with whatever their ritual is for their services.

For now. Until I'm comfortable. They answered, and it was sweet. The receptionist said she understood about rocky spiritual journies, heh. I copied two people on that email, my husband and of course my friend I had been banging heads with.

My husband said he was shocked that I did it. My friend said I was his hero, to take such a step. I don't feel very heroic, however.

I still have to set foot in the place.

Here's a great song that has been on my mind lately, they have an excellent acoustic version:

"Crawling In The Dark"- Hoobastank

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
So when and how will I know?
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me
In front of me
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Faith and Religion Part 2

I've been obsessing over religion all weekend, especially having some differing viewpoints with a friend of mine that was very disheartening. Today I took the dog to the vet, and went across the street to grab a coffee while I waited for all her tests to be completed. It was actually pleasant enough to sit outside, so I pulled out my little notebook out of my purse, and started this brainstorm.

God.

Religion.

Spirituality.

Religion=Community.

People need a sense of community and belonging. That is just a basic human need. However, do you need to belong to a specific religion in order to achieve this? My answer would be ‘no.

Am I narrow-minded for thinking you do not need to have religion?

Do you need religion to know God? No.

You need FAITH. Faith is what matters, not what religion you belong to.

When you are part of a religion, you are adhering to one core set of beliefs. Of course there are exceptions. For instance, you can be Catholic and believe in birth control. But if someone tells me they are Catholic, or Buddhist, or Mormon, or a Scientologist, they are in fact telling me generally what they believe. Otherwise they would not be practicing that religion in the first place. It'’s sort of like being called a Liberal. If I tell someone I am Liberal, they know generally what I believe, and they are correct in assuming so. To know more about specific things regarding my beliefs, they would of course need to get to know me better.

Am I narrow-minded for thinking you do not need to have religion? I was told recently that I was prejudice and stereotyping based on my opinions. I don't think that is fair to say in the least. I am speaking about religion in general, not a race of people or any individual. I'm not even claiming to be an atheist. But if you adhere to one single religion, you are stereotyping yourself as to believing in a certain set of rules.

Do people see religion as openly as they see faith? I don't think they do. Can it be proven? I would love to see that. A person can acknowledge that there are other religions. That doesn't mean that person accepts other religions. Of course, I'm again being general. There are plenty of people who are of one religion who do accept others. I just don't think it is the general consensus.

Do you have to attend church to experience and know about different religions? No, I don't think you do. Church is not religion. I have read about religions, and have had my own experiences being around different religions while growing up. People of different religions are all around us, you do not have to attend church to experience it. I think too many people confuse Religion, Faith, and Church. They are three very different things, yet can be used to complement each other in different ways.

Is the process of Religion a way to make a better world? Not when one religious process includes converting everyone to their way of thinking. Some religions think that is the sole purpose of their religion. If you start attending services for the Church of Scientology, please don'’t tell me they are not going to assume you want to become a Scientologist, and try to convert you to their way of thinking. And the Mormons- why do you think they have people going around trying to talk to others about the religion? My old boss'’s wife sent missionaries to my door. Though of course I wasn't interested, we ended up having a great conversation about faith.

My friend made a wonderful comment that I absolutely agree with:

"The Mystery is going where you're afraid to go.. because there's something there you need to learn to get rid of the fear.
It's too easy to just turn away and say there's nothing there.. but the mystery is to explore that which frightens as much as entices."

Is he so convinced that there HAS to be religion that he cannot look at the possibility of NO religion? My fear used to be that I had to end up with a religion. I'’ve discovered in the past 5 years or so that you do not have to end up with a religion to be happy. I also am open to the thought that maybe I could possibly find a religion that suits me. But more likely than that I would end up at a church that resembles the one he attends, a Unity church of some sort that covers all types of religions, and even non-religions.

I've really got to finally stop at that church across the street from my daughter's school. At least to see what it's all about. Because I do know that sitting and wondering what the answers are is not nearly as effective as getting out there and possibly FINDING some answers.

First Faith and Religion Post

Intelligent Design

by PAUL RUDNICK
The New Yorker
Issue of 2005-09-26

Day No. 1
And the Lord God said, “Let there be light,” and lo, there was light. But
then the Lord God said, “Wait, what if I make it a sort of rosy,
sunset-at-the-beach, filtered half-light, so that everything else I design
will look younger?”
“I’m loving that,” said Buddha. “It’s new.”
“You should design a restaurant,” added Allah.

Day No. 2:
“Today,” the Lord God said, “let’s do land.” And lo, there was land.
“Well, it’s really not just land,” noted Vishnu. “You’ve got mountains and
valleys and—is that lava?”
“It’s not a single statement,” said the Lord God. “I want it to say, ‘Yes,
this is land, but it’s not afraid to ooze.’ ”
“It’s really a backdrop, a sort of blank canvas,” put in Apollo. “It’s,
like, minimalism, only with scale.”
“But—brown?” Buddha asked.
“Brown with infinite variations,” said the Lord God. “Taupe, ochre, burnt
umber—they’re called earth tones.”
“I wasn’t criticizing,” said Buddha. “I was just noticing.”

Day No. 3:
“Just to make everyone happy,” said the Lord God, “today I’m thinking
oceans, for contrast.”
“It’s wet, it’s deep, yet it’s frothy; it’s design without dogma,” said
Buddha, approvingly.
“Now, there’s movement,” agreed Allah. “It’s not just ‘Hi, I’m a planet—no
splashing.’ ”
“But are those ice caps?” inquired Thor. “Is this a coherent vision, or a
highball?”
“I can do ice caps if I want to,” sniffed the Lord God.
“It’s about a mood,” said the Angel Moroni, supportively.
“Thank you,” said the Lord God.

Day No. 4:
“One word,” said the Lord God. “Landscaping. But I want it to look natural,
as if it all somehow just happened.”
“Do rain forests,” suggested a primitive tribal god, who was known only as a
clicking noise.
“Rain forests here,” decreed the Lord God. “And deserts there. For a spa
feeling.”
“Which is fresh, but let’s give it glow,” said Buddha. “Polished stones and
bamboo, with a soothing trickle of something.”
“I know where you’re going,” said the Lord God. “But why am I seeing scented
candles and a signature body wash?”
“Shut up,” said Buddha.
“You shut up,” said the Lord God.
“It’s all about the mix,” Allah declared in a calming voice. “Now let’s look
at some swatches.”

Day No. 5:
“I’d like to design some creatures of the sea,” the Lord God said. “Sleek
but not slick.”
“Yes, yes, and more yes—it’s a total gills moment,” said Apollo. “But what
if you added wings?”
“Fussy,” whispered Buddha to Zeus. “Why not epaulets and a sash?”
“Legs,” said Allah. “Now let’s do legs.”
“Are we already doing dining-room tables?” asked the Lord God, confused.
“No, design some creatures with legs,” said Allah. So the Lord God, nodding,
designed an ostrich.
“First draft,” everyone agreed, and so the Lord God designed an alligator.
“There’s gonna be a waiting list,” Zeus murmured appreciatively.
“Now do puppies!” pleaded Vishnu. “And kitties!”
“Ooooo!” all the gods cooed. Then, feeling a bit embarrassed, Zeus ventured,
“Design something more practical, like a horse or a mule.”
“What about a koala?” asked the Lord God.
“Much better,” Zeus declared, cuddling the furry little animal. “I’m going
to call him Buttons.”

Day No. 6:
“Today I’m really going out there,” said the Lord God. “And I know it won’t
be popular at first, and you’re all gonna be saying, ‘Earth to Lord God,’
but in a few million years it’s going to be timeless. I’m going to design a
man.”
And everyone looked upon the man that the Lord God designed.
“It has your eyes,” Zeus told the Lord God.
“Does it stack?” inquired Allah.
“It has a naïve, folk-artsy, I-made-it-myself vibe,” said Buddha. The Inca
sun god, however, only scoffed. “Been there. Evolution,” he said. “It’s
called a shaved monkey.”
“I like it,” protested Buddha. “But it can’t work a strapless dress.”
Everyone agreed on this point, so the Lord God announced, “Well, what if I
give it nice round breasts and lose the penis?”
“Yes,” the gods said immediately.
“Now it’s intelligent,” said Aphrodite.
“But what if I made it blond?” giggled the Lord God.
“And what if I made you a booming offscreen voice in a lot of bad movies?”
asked Aphrodite.

Day No. 7:
“You know, I’m really feeling good about this whole intelligent-design
deal,” said the Lord God. “But do you think that I could redo it, keeping
the quality but making it at a price point we could all live with?”
“I’m not sure,” said Buddha. “You mean, what if you designed a really basic,
no-frills planet? Like, do the man and the woman really need all those
toes?”
“Hello!” said the Lord God. “Clean lines, no moving parts, functional but
fun. Three bright, happy, wash ’n’ go colors.”
“Swedish meets Japanese, with maybe a Platinum Collector’s Edition for the
geeks,” Buddha decided.
“Done,” said the Lord God. “Now let’s start thinking about Pluto. What if
everything on Pluto was brushed aluminum?”
“You mean, let’s do Neptune again?” said Buddha.

Faith and Religion

A study recently came out in England regarding religious belief and society. The study's conclusion- that societies are actually worse off because of religion.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1798944,00.html

I happen to agree with the article. Faith and religion are not the same thing. They are not even interchangeable. You can't have religion without faith, but you CAN have faith without religion. The latter is much more difficult to achieve.

I have always thought, and have said many times, that religion is an excuse. When you "belong" to a certain religion, it changes your attitude about everyone else, and especially their religion. So people start doing things, good or bad, because of their religion. Then you have the extremists, who wear their religion on their sleeve and use it as a free pass to do just about anything they want, all in the name of their belief.

All of the things we argue regarding our society are religion-based. Pro-life vs. choice. Evolution vs. ID. Gay marriage is even a religious issue- IN THE EYES OF THOSE WHO PRACTICE RELIGION. Religion even gets in the way of hetero marriage. If you are not the same religion, no matter how much you love each other or want to marry, it can be the only factor keeping you from doing so. How is that healthy?

Therefore you have all these people who practice their religions behaving as the biggest hypocrites of all.

Faith, on the other hand, I think is good for a society, and can bring people together.

But faith and religion are not the same. People are divided by religion. Even patriotism could be a religion, for they worship the flag as a Catholic worships the cross. When a group only believes one thing or religion, lines are drawn in the sand and people begin to segregate. You are limited by religion, because it is only one set of beliefs. If you label anyone a certain religion, you automatically set a bias.

John Lennon is right. Just imagine if there was no religion. It would be beautiful.

Be Attentive Today

Do not go after the past,
Nor lose yourself in the future.
For the past no longer exists,
And the future is not yet here.

By looking deeply at things just as they are,
In this moment, here and now,
The seeker lives calmly and freely.

You should be attentive today,
For waiting until tomorrow is too late.
Death can come and take us by surprise--
How can we gainsay it?

The one who knows
How to live attentively
Night and day
Is the one who knows
The best way to be independent.

-Bhaddekaratta Sutra

Couple good hits from Benson

Addendum to my movie review

A friend was trying to find the movie from my September 11 post on the net to download. Instead he found something even better. A parady of the movie itself. Well, a parady of sorts, but they mix real footage along with their fun. And it's very good.

A little long, but if you've got an hour to kill, it's worth it. I'm glad I wasn't alone in my assessment of the movie. :-)


http://mteww.com.twhid.com/dc911/DC911EDR_med.mov

Sevens- a badly needed mind-break!

Found this on a fellow Arizona Blogger's site.. figured what the hell. I need the change of pace. :-)

And y'all need more to know about me. I command it.

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) See a space shuttle launch.
2) Go to Europe
3) Own a swimming pool.
4) Write a book.
5) Be a foster parent.
6) Live on the East Coast.
7) Drive in an actual race car, on an actual race track of course.

7 things I can do:
1) Piss off conservatives.
2) Play the viola, and actually play it well.
3) admit I'm a very bad driver
4) listen.
5) justify just about anything I purchase at a mall. But can it wait until after my nail appointment?
6) laugh, mostly at myself.
7) well... I will just leave this to the imagination. But if you ever see my husband with a huge grin on his face... ;-)

7 things I cannot do:
1) Speak a language other than English.
2) Stop blogging and posting on the internet.
3) Stay focused on one task. I must do two or three or four things at once.
4) Buy an SUV. (yes, we own a Highlander. But the gas milage is the same as my minivan!)
5) Dance.
6) Keep my children from growing up.
7) Stop answering these "about you" types of emails and such.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1) Intelligence (need a mind connect or just quit wasting my time).
2) Eyes.
3) Someone who will take the time to do something for me that I like. Even if they don't like it.
4) Someone who gets ME. Even when I know for a fact whatever I am saying is completely insane.
5) Voice. Since I like to listen, he'd better have a decent speaking voice.
6) Libido. (god I hope my parents don't read this! How embarassing!!!!)
7) Someone as passionate about everything as I am.

7 things that I say most often:
1) "Don't answer it!"
2) "Allison- it's for you!!"
3) "Quit fighting!"
4) "I SAID, quit fighting!"
5) "WHAT!!"
6) "I love you too baby."
7) "What the fuck?" (Or, "what the fuuuuuuudge" when I realize my kids are standing there).

7 celebrity crushes:
1) Ewan MacGregor
2) Jon Stewart
3) Antonio Bandaras
4) Viggo Mortensen
5) Jon Bon Jovi
6) Vince Vaughn
7) Angelina Jolie (I know.. but I love her mouth! Again, hope my parents aren't reading!)

7 people I want to do this:
1)I will get to this later. But you all know who you are.
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)

A movie review just in time for an anniversary

I had no clue this movie existed, and the other night I was channel-surfing and caught it in the middle. So I recorded the next showing, because curiosity got the better of me. Made in 2003, it first aired on Showtime just in time for the two year anniversary of 9-11. Also just in time for the re-election campaign I imagine.

So I sat down and prepared to be amused for two hours. Amused would not be how I can describe my reaction to this film. Nauseated would be closer I think. Right from the get-go it was apparent this movie was nothing but Pro-Bush propaganda. Andrew Card goes in, tells Bush that the second tower had been hit. You see a serious Bush, contemplating his next move. Looking VERY presidential... he quickly makes an excuse to get out of there as smoothly as possible, with the least amount of distraction for the children.

Oh- did I mention? There was not a copy of "My Pet Goat" to be seen. Seems that significant fact didn't make it in editing. If it were filmed at all...

Oh they were good. The showed the George W. Bush that we all WANTED to have. The strong, take-charge, presidential one. Barking orders left and right. Demanding to speak to the people, and get back to the White House. They even made Cheney out to be some bumbling idiot, not in control and having no clue what to do. Ha. Hahaha.

When discussing Bin Laden and Afghanistan, they made sure to throw in that Iraq was next in the war on terror. Like it was just supposed to be that way. I believe it was quoted that "first Afghanistan. Saddam will just have to wait his turn. But his turn is coming." Or some outrageous bullshit like that. As if Iraq was always meant to be part of the equation. Which is was, but not for the reasons they were claiming in the movie. Hell even since the movie during all of 2004 all the real reasons came to surface. It was well done- the way they kept bringing up Iraq, just so those who are stupid enough to buy into this movie would keep the 9-11/Saddam connection.

Which was further brought home in the scene where Bush goes to NYC. They had people coming up to the President, telling him, "get those motherfuckers George." "kill the bastards!" I do not doubt there was a lot of anger at those who crashed those towers, but the line is reallllly fuzzy in the movie as to whom we should actually be blaming.

It took me two nights to watch this movie in its entirety. I must say this is probably the most insulting and offensive movie I have ever seen. There is absolutely NO way a movie made from the other viewpoints would ever be made. The powers that be would never allow it, and they would use the excuse that it would be offensive to those who died and suffered on 9-11. Pfft.

So fast forward to today, the 4th anniversary of 9-11-01. Are we safer? As people still lay stranded and dying on our own land in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, this question continues to come to mind. Another terrorist attack from across the ocean is the very least of our problems. We have terrorists among us, right here under our noses. The elite who would rather not be bothered by those suffering under a certain income level.

The terrorists like those who did indeed attack us four years ago have it made. All they have to do is sit back, and watch us destroy ourselves.

Mission Accomplished.

Nightmares stemmed by guilt?

This whole weekend has been rough. Trying to figure out the best way to help these poor people who have lost everything. My anger over the way this entire emergency situation was handled grows. The things I am finding out just make my jaw drop. Why would FEMA keep trucks full of food and the Red Cross away from the area? It just doesn't make any sense, when you look at it from a humanitarian standpoint.

Then late last night I caught a replay of "Oprah", and was just stunned. She demanded to see inside the Superdome. They tried to keep her out, but she needed to see. Needed to see what these people had to live in for a week before help arrived. GOOD for her, no way anyone with the last name of Bush would even bother.

After each segment they would go back to her live, and she was in tears. EVERY TIME. She was in there trying to put families back together. One at a time. Just watching her, you could see the concern and desperation on her face as she did so, all the while reassuring others who were trying to give her names. So different than the Bush photo-ops, or Barbara's recent comments.

I'm trying to do what I can. I created a fund-raiser to try and help a family or two that have been re-located to Arizona. I want the funds to go directly to someone, not lost in the big pot of the Red Cross or Salvation Army. So far so good. I'm happy to be doing what little I can.

Though there is guilt. Yesterday in the paper was an article by that favorite writer of mine, EJ Montini. Be thankful for your daily grind. Be thankful you have a home, you have money, you know where your family is. We just got 4 plane tickets so we could all fly east over the Christmas holiday. I don't have to tell you how much it cost, we all know ticket prices. Bret says I should not feel guilty for what we have. It isn't that I feel guilty for what I have, I of course am always thankful. Yet, I can't help but think of those who are sitting there who have just lost their daily grind. While I'm planning to visit my family who I can pretty much see whenever, there are those who have lost family members. There are those who have no clue WHERE their family members are at the moment. Four plane tickets. Money that could be better spent on helping a family get on their feet again after this disaster. So yes, I feel a bit of guilt. I shouldn't be so selfish.

The kicker last night was my nightmare. I finished that episode of Oprah at one in the morning. Made a post on my network about it, then went to bed. Only to be awoken by my mind at 3:30. I'm in a rowboat on a river, or a lake. I slowly begin to notice that I am not on either, but on a flooded street. I see tops of houses and trees all around me. I look down into the boat and notice a fishing pole, the line cast. I'm fishing? Then the line jerks, apparently I've caught something. I reach over and start pulling, struggling with the line. Finally I give it one last great pull, and am knocked off my feet. At the end of the line is a small child's body.

Then I woke up.

How do you continue to have faith?

I'm frustrated. When hurricane Katrina hit, it was just plain awful. Really there are no words to describe it. I always feel empathetic when I see people displaced from their homes and lives, after my own experiences with a fire in high school that burned down our apartment complex. I know what it is like to lose everything and live off of handouts temporarily. But this- this goes way beyond anything imaginable. The footage might as well be from a third world country.

I tried not to think about the political aspects of this tragedy. I actually DEFENDED the President and his efforts to try and get help to the region as quickly as possible. I knew he could have done more, but I just wanted help to get to the people. Deal with the timelines later. Maybe in the aftermath, everything would make sense. Oh did I get smacked around on my network for this! Everyone thought I had a lobotomy. Even my husband was asking if I was feeling ok. He said he couldn't believe HE was acting more left in this matter than I was. I didn't care. All I cared about was watching the people, and figuring out how I can help. Wishing it were conceivable to jump on a plane and go volunteer. Pretty much the same feelings I had after the Tsunami hit in December.

So now, here it is a few days after Bush has brought in aid to the region, a week after the initial storm. Two thousand victims are being brought to Arizona today. My time to help is near. The process of saving remaining lives is slowly beginning. Then I read this last night, from CNN:

Chertoff: Katrina scenario did not exist However, experts for years had warned of threat to New Orleans Defending the U.S. government's response to Hurricane Katrina, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff argued Saturday that government planners did not predict such a disaster ever could occur.

But in fact, government officials, scientists and journalists have warned of such a scenario for years.

Chertoff, fielding questions from reporters, said government officials did not expect both a powerful hurricane and a breach of levees that would flood the city of New Orleans. (See the video on a local paper's prophetic warning -- 3:30 ) "That 'perfect storm' of a combination of catastrophes exceeded the foresight of the planners, and maybe anybodies foresight," Chertoff said.

He called the disaster "breathtaking in its surprise."

Um, what? I should not have been shocked, but I couldn't believe what I was reading. The denial has begun. Now the administration is pointing fingers at the state level to avoid any blame. WHY???

I can allow myself to get angry now. I keep hoping- nearly praying- that there is some ounce of selflessness in these people, and that they can be big enough HUMANS to accept blame. But flashes of how 9-11 and Iraq was handled keep coming back to me. I don't think I have ever felt such disappointment. At least not since the "re-election" of Bush in November.

How do you continue to have faith in government when they keep showing themselves for the spineless bastards that they are?

Oh yes, I am angry now. Angry at myself mostly, for thinking there are noble efforts in this current administration. Never again. I cannot wait for this administration to be gone- our country has been stained enough. There is no value at all for human life within these people.

The Independent Nation of... Arizona?

It's reporters and columnists such as Montini here that give me the strength to literally sweat out another day in the desert, along with Steve Benson's Editorial comics. ~D

From The Arizona Republic:
Making the case for an independent nation of Arizona

Sept. 1, 2005 12:00 AM

Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas apparently wants to be the president . . . of Arizona. And who knows? Maybe he's on to something. Maybe the county prosecutor's desire to have Arizona's police officers take over what is supposed to be the job of federal immigration authorities is the first step toward our state becoming an independent nation.

Gov. Janet Napolitano has tilted in that same direction. Not long ago she declared a state of emergency in order to free up $1.5 million in disaster funds to aid those counties on the border most hard hit by illegal immigration and drug smuggling.

"This is a federal responsibility, and they're not meeting it," the governor said. "I've just come to the conclusion (that) we've got to do what we can at the state level until the federal government picks up the pace."

And what if it doesn't?

We've got another would-be contender for president of Arizona proposing that we build our own Great Wall along the border with Mexico. State Rep. Russell Pearce wants Arizona to spend half a billion dollars in order to erect a 350-mile barricade.

But why stop there? Why not a wall between us and California? Us and New Mexico? Us and Utah? We could be a fortress nation, like Oz. We're already full of Munchkins, tin men, scarecrows, cowardly lions and phony wizards.

Think of the benefits. Once we declare our independence, all of our National Guard and reserve troops in Iraq would be sent home immediately. The nation of Arizona isn't at war, after all. We could take those citizen soldiers and post them on our grand and glorious new wall.

We wouldn't have to ship any more of our money to Washington, D.C. And as an added bonus, we wouldn't have to issue passports for re-entry to any of the politicians we've sent there.

Neither the U.S. Congress nor the U.S. Supreme Court could tell us what to do.

We could refuse to join the United Nations, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, the Organization of American States, the World Bank, the World Trade Organization and World Health Organization. Instead, we'd cast our lot with the only international federation suited to our deportment: the World Wrestling Enterainment.

Arizona politicians, who for years have spent money like they were printing it themselves, could actually print it themselves. We could stubbornly refuse to go along with daylight-saving time. (Wait, we already do that.) We could put jail inmates in pink underwear and pretend that it's crime prevention. (We do that, too.) We could build fancy new stadiums for already wealthy sports team owners. (Yep.)

We could elect people who believe that the best way to spend our tax money is to enforce laws that the federal government already is being paid to enforce. Along with people who want to erect giant walls.

Prosecutor Thomas is upset because some of Arizona's police agencies say that they don't have the money or manpower to go after undocumented immigrants or those who bring them here.

As a sovereign nation, we could do that.

Then, we could round up all of the non-citizens hiding in the new Arizona (many from that nation to the south) and ship them out of our country. This quickly would cause the economy to spiral downward and transform our newly independent republic into a Third World country. Which would be a dream come true.

Once Arizona is no longer part of the union, we could establish diplomatic relations with the United States and qualify for something that none of the remaining 49 states could hope to receive: foreign aid.

An Evening At The Roller Rink

My first "French" kiss was at the roller rink (no not last night). Good old Ken Hyde, and we were in Jr. High School. I remember nothing except thinking, "hm. This isn't as gross as I thought it would be."

There was a fund-raiser last night for the school. Both the girls were WAY excited. I knew there was no way out of it, especially when they jumped in the van after school donning a sticker that said, "Don't forget about Skateland tonight!" Oy.

OK, I was excited too. Girls night out at the roller rink. Skating with my girls. Mingling with the school-folk. It would be fun, if I didn't fall on my ass.

So, after waiting a half-hour in line to get in, we got our skates, then I got in the food line to get them a pizza for dinner. Twenty-minutes there, and had to help them both with their skates while waiting in line. Allison took off to find her friends as soon as I tied her laces, and Samantha went BOOM! right on her butt within 15 seconds.

She gingerly got her footing, and proceeded to get comfortable skating on the carpet, while I finally was able to put my skates on. Tadaaa!!!!! I looked around for my girls, and they were no-where to be found. Hmph. Finally I found Sam, but she didn't want to go out on the rink. She was enjoying skating down the ramp and catching herself at the last moment with the railing.





Then Allison. Well, I was not stepping in the love-triangle that is between her, her best friend, and the cute little boy between them. Yikes.





I then admitted defeat in my girls night out, and went to converse with the other parents.
Because, really when you think about it, that is where I belong now when I go to the roller rink.
I did get a couple times around though. And yes, it was fun.

And no, I didn't fall on my ass.

Another internet friend becomes real

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a fairly social person. I do the mom-thing, and have a few good friends in that arena. I often say I keep my social calendar fairly full because of my children. I party more now than I did pre-kids! (Note to self: get present for bday party Saturday.) I also have the school-mom thing, and a few friends there as well (Note to self: get tickets for school roller-skating party on Wednesday.) I even manage to make it out every now and then for a date with the hubby (note to self: talk to neighbors about starting up weekly date nights!)

The internet has become a good social outlet for me as well. I know this seems odd to some, but since there are times you can't get out when you would like to, it's a nice back-up plan. Now, don't get me wrong. There are a few people I talk to on the internet that I would pretty much rather not meet in person, and I'm perfectly happy to keep it that way. I've also been pretty lucky that the few I've met over the course of the last year, have not been insane asylum escapees. Of course I knew that before I met them all.

I think. Hmm...

So my latest victim, Marla, came into town this past week due to her husband's job. We've always had good talks online, and I was excited to show her around town while her husband was out at work. My kids also went back to school last week, so I didn't have to juggle them too much either. Though after dragging her around on my errands the first day, I was sure I wouldn't see her for the rest of the week!

It was a good time. We walked Chandler Mall, and I was able to show her my old stomping grounds by taking her to Downtown Tempe and wandering around for the day (you pass my old high school and ASU on the way). Then yesterday we had her and her husband over for dinner, so they could meet the rest of the family. I could also reassure my husband of whom I had really just spend the last week with. ;-)



The kids enjoyed meeting them and their dog, Piper, making sure to run the poor thing ragged while they were over. Bret enjoyed meeting them too, as well as the fact I actually cooked a meal that wasn't in a box or delivered. :-)))



She's got her own photo blog with shots from her trip. I think I might even be in one of them! Check out her Wicked Wanderings here

Who will be my next victim? Who knows what the future will hold. For now, it's off to get the birthday present I mentioned above.

And knowing I have another friend in the world. That's a good feeling. :-)

First Day Of School

Oooh they were excited. Awake, dressed and asking if it was time to go an hour before it was time to go.

New outfits, and new transitions. Youngest one officially school-age now, Kindergarden.


Though no one, I say NO ONE, happier than me.
Yet, still a little sad. :-)

Weekend at Standwell Day 2

We woke up this morning to the sun shining. And the cowbell at the main cabin ringing for breakfast. The girls bounced up, dressed and went off to have breakfast. Bret showered, and I just lay there a bit longer, not having slept well all night. Finally Allison poked her head in and said very formally, "Mother, won't you join us?"

I got up after that.

Today was spent working. Well, at least for Bret anyhow. A previous storm had downed one of the pine trees around the cabin, and Bret helped cut the trunk up to replace the older stumps around the campfire area.



This turned into quite a task. The first few cut fine but Bret quickly came to a literal impasse with the roots of the tree (which we determined to be 150 years old thanks to Allison's careful ring-counting). 30 minutes after working on it, we all had lunch. After lunch, he returned, and TWO HOURS LATER he finally broke through the stubborn root. Even the chainsaw came apart and had to be fixed in the middle of it all. It was cute, Bret working on that trunk with his grandfather right there supervising. Though I think he was just using every bit of willpower not to jump in to help. Which he did a bit, but Bret told me later he wanted to make sure he finished it, so his grandfather didn't attempt it himself. Which he certainly would have.



The girls spent much of the day playing with the hammock, pushing each other in it, sitting in it together, and arguing over who spent more time in it. I was glad the day stayed sunny so they could spend the day exploring and getting comfortable with their surroundings.

Since the weather was agreeable, we were able to cook our meal outside. Just hot dogs, but this time is wasn't so swampy, so the girls could help. Then we roasted marshmallows again, but outside around the campfire. Everyone loved it, and I could see GG and Grumpy were very pleased to have the next generation begin their memories around the campfire.

Weekend At Standwell Day One

**transposed from scribblings that came from some long, thin stick thing that dripped blue liquid, and made strange, nearly unledgible markings on very thin pieces of bark.

It's sometime after lunch.

I say this because I honestly have no idea what time it is. We arrived about 12:30 and had lunch, so I'm sure it's somewhere in the before 3pm area. The entire week Bret has been all giddy, because we were coming up to the cabin this weekend. I know he feels somewhat guilty about not spending more time with his Grandparents, so this was a great way to reconnect with them, as well as give the girls a formal introduction to some Cutler history.

(I just need to add that as I sit here writing rain is pouring down in sheets with thunder booming in the distance. I'm actually chilly in my shorts and t-shirt, unlike when we have the storms down in the valley. I AM IN HEAVEN.)

Standwell. An appropriate name for a project that actually could be the core of the Cutler family. Started 25 years ago and built over a ten-year period, everyone had a hand in building the place. I can remember back in High School Bret asking me up one of those weekends. Of course my parents never allowed it (gee, why?), and back then I had no idea I would have many chances later in life to spend time here.

9:39 pm
So now we all sit here in bed. The girls are on the air mattress next to our bed in the bunkhouse. Bret is reading a chapter of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" to them, and I am finally having a moment to catch up from earlier today.

The rain poured down so hard this afternoon the kids could not even play in it anymore, then G.G. and Grumpy (as they are affectionately called by the girls) took their afternoon nap in the main cabin. Bret had drove back down to Payson (60 miles away) because silly us forgot to grab the sweaters on our way out the door this morning. So I tried my best to keep the very not-tired girls entertained and semi-calm in the very cramped quarters. During the times the rain would let up, they would run back outside, only to come back 5 minutes later with the next down pour. So I gave up on writing for the afternoon.

Once Bret returned, the rain let up for the last time that afternoon, so he went outside with them and I dozed a bit. Later, the girls took great joy in helping Grumpy bring in wood for the fireplace. We were planning on a campfire for dinner outside, but the rain was enough to turn the campfire area into a small swampland. We changed our plan to the dinner we had brought for the following evening, BBQ beef ribs and corn-on-the-cob.



We quickly encountered our next dilemma when we couldn't find something proper to cook them in the oven. Finally Bret decided to try the campfire, at least in which to cook the main course. He got it lit, and within 30 minutes or so had enough of the moisture that was underneath burned off to cook them. I had prepped them while he was doing so (yes folks she knows one or two things beyond mac-n-cheese in a box about cooking), and long story short we had a most excellent meal.

As Bret and I cleaned up, the girls watch excitedly as Grumpy fed the fire more wood. They had never roasted marshmallows before, and due to the wet outside, Grumpy bent his "rule" about using the inside fire for cooking so they would not miss out.

I love watching the girls with their Great-Grandparents and seeing how they relate with them. They are both SO quiet and reserved! Yet, they are each unique in their relating. Allison is more distant. Not quite uncomfortable, but she has a tad more stiffness about her than Sam. That is just Allison though. Heh, she was the only one at dinner who wanted her meat cut off the rib bone, unlike the rest of us savages!

Sam was quiet, but it was more of a careful, emotional connection. She was aware of the fact that they couldn't move the way the rest of us did, and was just very gentle around them. I had to let her know that it was ok to yell at Janet when talking to her, since her hearing is so bad. Later in the evening she took me aside and said simply, "I love GG and Grumpy."

Bret's grandparents amaze me. 85 and 83, they still trek up to Standwell several times during the summer all on their own. I can only hope to still be so full of life at that age. Gives me something to strive for, and look forward to.

TiVo enters my world

OK... so we changed satellite providers. Husband found a deal. I've learned after 12 years of marriage with this man, that, when he finds a deal that will save money, you do not question. You WILL save money. And if I had a nickel for every time I doubted... ok I would have like 20 cents. ;-)

So my butt is up for the installer dude, who thank goodness comes promptly at 8am rather than me waiting around all morning. He puts it all together, then gives me the crash course in using the remote. Channels.. guide.. blah blah blah-

"Now if you want to record something you are currently watching, you can just press this button, and have it record either on the main tv, or upstairs on the bedroom tv."

Ooh. Nice...

Then he shows me the finer points of pausing live tv, and how when the TV isn't live, you can fast forward right through the commercials.

Oooohhh... me likey....

So he leaves, and my kids ask me to put on some cartoons for them. I find the channel, and show them the pause button.

For the rest of the day this is what I hear:

"Pause it! I have to leave the room!"

"Pause it! I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Pause it!"

It seems my kids likey too..

Me? I'm just happy that I finally got my HBO from a previous deal with my husband. I said I would stop my Stephen King book-of-the-month club (I had been replacing all my paperbacks with hardback copies of his books- I'm so proud of my collection!) if I could get movie channels on the tele.

I stopped my membership about a year ago.

Heh. Told you he knows how to save money.

Down-Home Country Wedding in Gilbert

Seems it's the year of the wedding for us. This one, however, was a little closer to home. Not just in the same town we live in, but it was Bret's cousin, Leigh.

We were concerned. Not by the match up of course. Seems the Rodeo Queen found herself a nice cowboy. We have met him a couple of times, and he's just the sweetest thing. But we knew this was taking place at a local barn that was converted into a reception hall, and that the wedding was taking place outside. In August. In the middle of monsoon season, when it is not only signature-Arizona hot, but muggy and stormy every evening as well. I was worried about the Grandparents having to sit in the heat. I was worried about exposing my children to country music (sorry, but you can take the girl out of the city...).

By that afternoon we were hoping that a storm wouldn't blow in more than anything else. I couldn't help but think of my wedding day and those concerns that engulfed me. But as we made it to the site, the sun was shining (blaring), and people were staying in the hall keeping cool until the ceremony was about to begin. Bret's grandparents had arrived all ready, and Janet had a beautiful ring of flowers on her head, which I found out later was from her 60th wedding anniversary (this is significant later). We arrived with the bulk of the Cutler family, then something really funny happened. A young woman came up to Bret's dad and his wife Nadine, and hugged them. It turned out to be a second cousin who no one had seen since before even Bret and I were married. I had never met her myself. Blast from the past, as they say. That's not even the funny part. After she walked off, Bret's dad asked me what cousin that was. I looked at him like he was kidding and said, "uh, it's Faith, Bert." The light went on, as he had kept the scenario going as he went through the motions of hugging this person who was a stranger until 5 seconds after I told him.

Then it was time for the ceremony, and we all went and sat down. Valina flew in for the wedding, and my girls sat with her. They had missed her! I was sitting next to Bret, until he realized he wouldn't be able to video the wedding from our seats. So I got to sit all by my lonesome for the ceremony. I knew I should have brought a date! Teeheee... It was certainly hot, but we had no reason to complain when I looked at the father(s) of the bride, and all the groomsmen. Decked out in black, topped off with black hats. The setting sun hit them just as they reached the altar.

It was short, sweet, and absolutely beautiful. They had a violin/cello duo playing, which again took me back to my wedding. I also realized that we were the last Cutler wedding before this one, 12 1/2 years ago. Leigh was barely in high school then I believe. Of course, I was barely OUT of high school, but that is another story altogether...

The reception was of course, your typical reception fare. With that country twist, but I'm happy to say they had a great mix of just about everything. The most profound part of the evening started out as a dance. Silly actually, all married couples dance, and they get picked off two-by-two based on how long they have been married. The last two couples on the floor- one who had been married 39 years, and the Cutler Grandparents.

Married 63 years.

When asked "advice" for the bride and groom, they both had only one thing to say.

"Just love," said Janet.

"Say I love you when you wake, and say I love you before you sleep," said Bert.

By this time, when I looked at the Cutler's who had all gathered together, there was not a dry eye to be found. Bret's dad, he seemed to touch me the most. The Cutler men always seemed to have this rough, brooding demeaner to me. But on the inside they are just mush, and I love that. Then it went a step further, and they played their wedding song, and this time I didn't have a dry eye.



As my husband and I danced with the other Cutler generations, I looked up at him and the sparkle of tears in his eyes as well. He looked at me, a tad embarrassed, and said, "I just love them."

Big mushy Cutler men.

Then there was your regular dancing. Allison really enjoyed dancing with her daddy. Sam danced with her Nana Sue, me, and her sister as the evening went on. Allison went out and was christened to the "Rock Lobster" by her Aunt Val.

Just before we left the reception, I was a bit worried that this wedding would force some "birds and bees" talk between me and my older daughter. They did the bouquet toss, and I teased Bret telling him I was going to go out and try and catch it. (I can't imagine why he didn't appreciate that!) :-) THEN was the garter. Oy. Allison had a front row seat, and I thought back to my wedding once again, when Bret took mine off with his teeth.

Welllll.... the groom lifted the dress, and disappeared right under the skirt. After a bit, he came up and looked around mockingly, claiming he hasn't found anything yet, then dove back under. Now, I found this quite funny actually. I was thinking he should have had a flashlight or something, and come out with different props every time during his "hunt". But Allison was standing right there, a bemused but obviously confused look on her face. As good parents, we quickly explained that the bride wore a garter, it was tradition, and got the heck out of there. LOL!

More photos here.

It's amazing how weddings bring out the best in people. For me, it actually felt just like any other family gathering we have had with all the Cutler's, full of love and laughter- just better dressed.

After all this time, though I was not worried in the least, I found that I am still proud to be one.

What hot, bored AZ peeps do

Because what are we gonna do, go outside?



Limerick competition was heated
AZ Republic
Jul. 31, 2005 12:00 AM

And now the moment we've all been waiting for - the winner of this year's Gloriously Magnificent and Really Big Valley 101 Hot Weather Limerick contest.

First, a few words about the judging: Yes, your limerick was clearly better than the winner's. I don't know what I was thinking. I am clearly a moron who has no taste and knows nothing about limericks. There, do you feel better?

I bet there were at least 900 or 1,000 entries. I got them down to 12 or so and with the help of my lovely assistant, I finally made the crucial final call.

Some of the runners-up were really good. This one is from Margaret Clark:

My attorney said I'll get half.
But I really wanted the last laugh.
He was surely a louse.
He can have the hot house,
Cuz, Ha! I got the cabin in Flagstaff.


This one isn't bad. It's by Bob Craig of Phoenix.

The minister's wife dressed discreetly.
And greeted parishioners sweetly.
But she has her fun
In the hot summer sun.
In her back yard she disrobes completely.


I really liked this one a lot. It's from Don Goguen of Scottsdale.

As limericks go this flies straight.
An anagram meant not to try fate.
Mixing letter-by-letter,
You'll surely feel better
When encountering DRY HEAT, just HYDRATE.

There were about eight or 10 more that were well above average, but I don't have room for them. (Sorry, Ollie Briggs. And Brittainy Stapley, that was pretty good for a 10-year-old. )

And now, at long last the winner. Joe Orlando of Mesa gets top honors for this.

The haboob blows through here each year.
I view it with loathing and fear.
Not wind, rain or lightning
Is what I find frightening.
I hate getting dust in my beer.

Good one, huh? There's just one problem. When I told him he'd won the Diamondback tickets, Orlando said he would be giving them away to a shelter or some charity because he's a Yankees fan. A Yankees fan. Of course, by then it was too late because I'd already told him he had won. I could hardly take it back. Next year I think I'll make you guys put your baseball affiliations on your entries. A Yankees fan. Jeez.

Ahhh... Monsoon

It hasn't even tipped the 100 degree mark today. There were storms all weekend. I love this time of the summer- because it means it's almost OVER!!!

Yes, I was out there with them for awhile.. my Mom has the pictures of that though. ;-)

I'm in love with Bill Clinton

On the way up to the Canyon last weekend, we listened to his book. By the time we got to his high school days, I looked over at my husband and said, "sorry honey, but I think I'm falling in love with this man." The bruise on my left shoulder is pretty faded now...

Seriously, this is probably one of the best books I've "read". What an interesting, caring, genuine man. Yes, read that again. I admired him before, but after this I admire him more than ever. Telling his side, yet taking complete responsibility for his actions. ALL of them. Even at the times when you feel he didn't need to. He gives you hope as well. It's amazing- someone coming from the childhood he had becoming a world leader. No big money, no inherited money, just hard work and perseverence. If I ever were going to start believing in heroes, he would be on the list for sure.

Two pinko thumbs-up on this one- buy it NOW. Or get in touch with me, I can hook you up. ;-)

A Weekend, A Wedding, and A Really Big Canyon

It took a wedding to get out of the heat for a weekend. The daughter of a friend of my foster-family was married up at the Grand Canyon on Sunday. What a great excuse to go to the Grand Canyon! See, Arizonans going to the Canyon is sort of like New Yorkers in Manhattan. It's just another place to go. But this time, my kids have not been yet, so it was another all new experience for me. :-)

So, my brother Andy flew in on Thursday, and my parents got in Friday. That afternoon we all trekked up north. I love watching the scene transitions as we rise in elevation. From desert, heat, and cactus, to cooler temps, pine trees, and fresh clean air. We stopped for gas just a few miles south of the park entrance, and Bret told me to get out and smell the air. Ahhhh... pine. The girls told us it reminded them of being back in Maryland at my parent's house. Pangs of homesickness hit me, as we didn't get to make our yearly trip there this summer. Sometimes it really stinks to be an East-Coast girl stuck in the desert. But, I had my parents here for the weekend, so that helped ease the sad feelings temporarily.

Our room was tucked nicely away in the trees, and had no A/C. I didn't mind, but the blast of afternoon stuffiness that hit us when we first opened the door didn't make my husband very happy. I tried to reassure him that though it was warm in the afternoon, it would cool down and be wonderful in the evenings. He also grumbled a bit when he found out we were not staying with the rest of the family in the hotel outside the Canyon Park. My thinking was it would be fun to stay inside the park, and also close to where the wedding was to take place. He grumbled some more, but felt better when he found out that others were staying scattered all over the area as well. I was feeling guilty and bad about it for awhile, then promptly decided that I was not going to be upset about it anymore, and moved on with the weekend.

Saturday the family split up for most of the day. I had a bridal luncheon, and the dad's all took the kids sight-seeing. When I returned to the lodge no one was back yet, so I took advantage. I quickly changed, and went off wandering on my own to explore the area (and work off some of the cheesecake from lunch!).

It was a nice hike. Started out on the warm side, but through the tree tops I watched an afternoon storm blow in, and by the time I returned to the room again there was that pre-storm energy in the air. I love that feeling, of a storm brewing. Even here at home with the monsoon, although it's still very hot and gross, I love to sit outside and watch it progress. I had missed Bret and the girls by about 30 minutes (we were exchanging quick notes), so I lied down on the bed, listened to the wind in the trees, and promptly passed out for a bit.

The evening was nice. A group of us went to dinner, and I got to catch up with my parents a bit. The down side was when the waitress spilled hot chocolate all over our friend Christa. That is bad enough in itself, but Christa also has MS and is in a wheelchair. :-( They were so worried they had EMT's come and check her out. She took it in stride, but luckily the drink was for one of the kids, so it wasn't as hot as it might have been.

Sunday was wedding day. It was, of course, beautiful. You can't have a better backdrop than the Canyon to say your "I do's". It was small, only about 40 people. I enjoyed the fact that I pretty much knew everyone there. Pretty much all-inclusive, with a breakfast before the ceremony where we all mingled, watched the kids next to the cliffs, and took in the view. All in all a lovely day, even the drive back was nice. Though it was almost saddening to feel the blast of heat as you opened the car doors.

You can see the rest of the photos here. :-)

Church Chat And My Grievance With God

If only it were the Church Lady sort from that old Dana Carvey SNL skit. In my Truth Seekers network, religion and God tends to come up now and then. Why wouldn't it? The network seeks truth of all kinds: God, aliens, and Tom Cruise included. I certainly have never minded exploring God and religion, but I happen to take a more personal, spiritual approach vs. a religious view. Quite frankly, religion to me is an excuse.

A cop out- a reason not to think. Whatever you want to call it, it is used for that purpose. If you can't figure out what to call something, or why something is either beyond beautiful or beyond reprehensible, people chalk it up to God. What always seems to enrage me the most when discussing religion with others is when church comes into the picture. Why would anyone need to go to church to learn about God? In the lastest discussion, someone pointed out a study that said that people who go to church are happier and healthier than those who do not. Well really this just angered me (which I suppose could prove their point I imagine).

I know I have a Catholic upbringing working against me here, but I fully acknowledge that all churches are NOT run like a Mass. I (as well as my husband) realized long ago that we didn't need church to prove that we trusted in God. Really, isn't He the only one you really have to prove your worth to? God doesn't want you to prove yourself, He just wants you to be happy. God understands that we can be happy with or without going to church. We've tried together about 10 years ago to find a church, but my husband really made it clear to me that I should examine why I'm looking for a church in the first place. When I looked at it, I had no reason. I felt I could do my spiritual journey on my own, and not have to worry about becoming part of the Sunday morning cattle call.

I know that seems harsh, but really that is all it seems to me. When my first child was born, my husband and I discussed what we would do when it came to religion. He is Catholic, and I was concerned about whether he would want our baby baptized or not. He really didn't care either way, he feels as I do. We should wait, discuss God and different religions with our children, and then let them decide what path they would like to go on when they are old enough to understand. I was actually surprised he felt the same way, but then on the same note I understand. He became Catholic at 19, and wasn't raised to think that this is what you HAVE to do concerning religion. He chose his path. I was raised to think you must attend church, which is why I am probably so uncomfortable with the concept of going to church once a week to "prove my worth". To whom am I proving this to? The other parishioners? The preacher? God? Hardly.

I'm certainly on my own journey, I know this. I went from ending my high school years thinking there is absolutely no God, going through the motions of my wedding in a Catholic church, to realizing there absolutely has to be a God, because I was given two very unique and wonderful gifts in my children. There is no other reason for that in my opinion. But I cannot make my journey about God. I try and make it about myself. I don't pray, because I found out long ago that prayers are not answered. I have started taking a more Buddhist approach to life, though I certainly do not agree with all elements of Buddhism either. I meditate, and that has given me an outlet in which to center myself, which I found to be actually quite liberating in it's own way. Through it all, Church just never seems to fit into the picture of what I think a relationship with God should be.

I do know another reason I have such a hard time when it comes to religion. I have a grievance with God, and it goes back to my childhood. Those almost three years when I was suffering, when the most incomprehensible things that could be done to a child were being done to ME. Where was God then? Is there some greater purpose, some reason that I (or any child for that matter) needed to have a trusted family member screw me every other night for THREE YEARS? Would I not have the life I have now if I didn't go through it? Was it a test by God of my strength, my endurance of life itself? Would my life have been BETTER if it hadn't happened? Or worse? Did I pass? Did I prove my worth by having this dark period happen? Why would a loving, caring God test a child in that way? What greater purpose could that possibly have?

I often think about the movie Forrest Gump when I think about this. The scene where they are on the shrimp boat during the storm, and Captain Dan decided to take on the storm, climbing up on the mast and in a nutshell telling God to bring it on. Of all the scenes that would normally make one cry in that movie, that scene is always the one that makes me tear up. Especially after the storm. His peace is made, and he's swimming in the very ocean that hours ago tried to claim him. I find myself longing for a similar opportunity. Where is my storm so I can have it out with God?

Then again, maybe that is what Church is, and why it is so hard to accept it and open myself up to attending. Maybe Church would be where I would have out my grievance. I have not written off ever attending church. I know that feelings and emotions and thoughts about things change constantly. I just hope that someday I will feel strong enough- brave enough- to take on the challenge it presents me.

Restore Our Belief; Accept Then Act

"No man is great enough or wise enough for any of us to surrender our destiny to. The only way in which anyone can lead us is to restore our belief in our own guidance."

~Henry Miller


Accept - then act.
Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.
Always work with it, not against it.
Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy.
This will miraculously transform your whole life.

~Eckhart Tolle

Misplaced Anxiety

Which should be the slogan for my life at times. I get myself all worked up about things- think "too much" about them as a friend would say- then the moment is over and done with and I'm left wondering why I stressed in the first place.

Flying is my #1 example of this. The last time I flew (with the help of an airplane of course) I didn't sleep the entire week before, because I stress about it. I'm not good at putting things in a higher power's hands. I need to feel I am in control of a situation, and when you think about it are we ever REALLY in control of anything? Whatever is going to happen over the course of your life, is going to just happen. Unless you stay indoors your entire life, you really cannot predict the outcome. So I fly, and get off the plane on the other side, no worse for wear.

Today my daughter had tubes put in her ears to drain fluid that has been apparently there for quite some time. Now, the procedure is SO totally nothing- you wait around for two hours vs. the 10 minute procedure- so why should I worry, right?

Ha. You would think I had already rendered my daughter dead or something. She was even looking at me like I was a little insane. What made me let it go was the way she stoically decided she wanted to WALK with the nurse back to the operating room, rather than ride on the bed or have her father carry her. What a trooper.

I looked at my husband and said, "What am I worried about?"

He looked at me and said, "duh."

Because you can't tell an idiot they are acting like an idiot until they have realized they are being an idiot. :-))

When they came to get us, only one of us could go into the recovery room at first. I got up to go, then looked at my husband's face.

I smiled, and let him go in first.