Overload! Overload!

I am drained. I faced some big issues with myself this week. Yours truly may actually step foot inside a church because of one of these issues. I wish I could let my cynicism of religion go and not cloud my vision, because I feel like a hypocrite, and that disgusts me more than anything. This weekend is being spent with considerable downtime, and NOT religiously focused. And sleep, lots of sleep.

Last night on Bill Maher they went into the religion discussion talking about the new Supreme Court nominee. It was EXACTLY, almost word for word, the argument I had been having. Maher took my position, and Andrew Sullivan and Ben Affleck got very offended by the things he was saying. Which was everything I have said in the previous posts here.

What really got me was my reaction while watching. Sullivan and Affleck got very offended by his words, and said so. Said that people in religions would also be very offended by what he was assuming. (This was said to me too.) That religions ultimately did good, and the few extremists made it look bad for everyone, and that was not the case... etc. etc.. The thing of it was, I was listening to Maher defend his position, and thinking that he wasn't listening to what the other two were saying. It was extremely different to be an outsider looking in at the same exact argument. Perspective is everything.

Then I started giggling at my mini-revelation. I swear, if there weren't a four hour time difference and a country separating us, I would have made a phone call. I should tape it and send it to him.

I've emailed the church about taking some of their classes. It feels the safest to me right now, rather than going to a service. I can pick and choose, and not have to deal with whatever their ritual is for their services.

For now. Until I'm comfortable. They answered, and it was sweet. The receptionist said she understood about rocky spiritual journies, heh. I copied two people on that email, my husband and of course my friend I had been banging heads with.

My husband said he was shocked that I did it. My friend said I was his hero, to take such a step. I don't feel very heroic, however.

I still have to set foot in the place.

Here's a great song that has been on my mind lately, they have an excellent acoustic version:

"Crawling In The Dark"- Hoobastank

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
So when and how will I know?
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me
In front of me
Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer