I'm super bad now.

I had a goal. To run a marathon when I turned 40. Well, technically I did that, although I didn't finish. The story behind that is in the last post on this blog, ironically enough. It was a beautiful run, for about 14 miles. I pushed too hard, and the Lost Dutchman course was not an easy one. With the knee problems, I just couldn't take the hilly course. So I dropped out. I tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but I was ashamed, and angry at myself. And worried. What if I permanently hurt my knee, and the one thing I love to do and am fairly good at is gone forever?

After that I went and had some X-rays, and it turned out that my knee was fine. The issue was my weak hips, glutes, pretty much the entire upper-leg area. So I started a couple months of physical therapy, but it didn't take long to make their exercises part of my regular workout routine. I also registered for the PF Chang's Rock 'n Roll Marathon as soon as registration opened. No way I could let an incomplete stand. "DNF*"- hell no.

I had to get over some things too. First off, I had to get over myself, and comparing myself to others. I stopped using the website Daily Mile, because everyone's accomplishments and fast pace just made me feel bad. Rationally I KNOW, it's not about the time, everyone is different blah blah blah... but the only way I could let it go was to stop looking at it. It didn't help that I went from an 11-12 min/mile runner to 13-15 minutes (I walk/run). Pain really slows you down, and although I loathe competitiveness, I am a competitive person.

I also had to get over the race. In my mind, I felt a little like I was giving up by switching races. You're supposed to conquer the course you fail, right? Rock 'n Roll is a flatter course, and you have more time to finish. It took a long time to convince myself that 26.2 is 26.2 no matter where you run it, or how long it takes to run it.

I had some setbacks during training. Number one, it's ALWAYS difficult to train during the holidays. November and December are the worst, plus I also have TechPhx in November. I also began a new job right as I started training. That was a difficult transition, and I didn't do nearly the amount of running I should during the week. I was getting nervous, and doubt started to kick in. Plus I was still having alot of joint pain, and was generally frustrated with what seemed like non-progress.

The turning point came when a friend of mind said out loud what I was thinking to myself.

"Maybe you're just not meant to run a marathon."

Screw that. It was like a switch flipped in my head. Even though I still couldn't get the miles in during the week (I was doing only about 5 or 6 each week plus my long run), I was still hitting milestone distances. I hit 10, 12, 18, then boom- 20 miles. I forced myself to be slow, to save it for the race. For the most part I did. I was training roughly at a 5/15 ratio: 5 minutes walking, 15 minutes of running. For race day, my plan was to walk 5, run 20. I was ready. Walking around the expo after picking up my gear, I felt excited. Itching to get going. A complete turn around from a year ago.

The race itself was awesome. The half marathon is definitely more popular, and I enjoyed that the starting corrals were not crowded. I also reconfirmed that I am a city gal, because I love being in DT Phoenix (though I prefer other cities, but you work with what you have). My 5/20 plan went wrong from the start- I was feeling so good, I was running a 5/25 minute (5 min walk, 25 min run). This lasted pretty much through the half. After about mile 14, things became more difficult. Externally, internally... I will spare you the TMI. Plus, the second half has more of the inclines on the course, so the long stretches of a slight incline slowed me down.

By mile 20, I had given up on even a 5/20 plan. Just kept moving forward. I think my family knew my mood was changing, because they met up with me at mile 21 and walked with me a bit (yes, they could walk, even as I was running it was more of a determined shuffle). Bret and the girls went back to the car to go to the finish line, and my brother Andy kept walking with me. It was perfect timing, plus I had my own documentarian (is that a word? It is now!) with me!

The last few miles were tough. My hips to my toes were on fire with every step. The cops were getting anxious to open the roads again, so a van kept picking up us stragglers and bringing us forward a bit. How sad is that? Heh. There were probably a dozen of us at the end of the pack.
One had a bad knee injury, but he was determined to finish. One woman who I saw throughout the day kept yelling happily, "I'm 78!!" We were all doing way more walking than running. Mile 25 was incredible to see, and then soon after that, the Mill Avenue bridge. That was the home stretch, and there was my husband waiting for me, and he walked across the bridge with me. Then it became the finish corral, and both he and Andy moved off the course.





Oh, when I saw that finish line- I gave that last ounce I had left and pushed. I thought he was only taking a photo, but Andy got a great video of my finish. It was perfect, as well as the song that was playing too (hence the title of this post).

So that's that. I don't have a long bucket list, but this was one of the things on it. It's now two days later, and I'm finally moving a little more freely, and haven't taken any ibuprofen today. My calves are still pretty stiff, and I still feel a little off my axis, but I think by the end of the week I'll be ready to go take a jog. :)

I have to thank my husband and my girls for coming out, and Andy for sticking around to be here for this. Love you all so much. I also have to thank my friends for celebrating with me at dinner that night. Sorry I wasn't full of conversation. I'm surprised I didn't faceplant into my enchilada. And all the support online- wow. You are all great! I happen to know most of you in one way or another, so as silly as it sounds, I really feel like every "like" and comment was authentic and true. You are all wonderful, and Andy read me many of your comments and posts as I was finishing the last 5 miles. You all kept me going, I want you to know that.

So let's talk 2015.

*DNF= Did Not Finish

What are you going to do this year that really scares you?

This question was asked of me on Twitter recently, by my friend and fellow GS leader Sara. I am always in awe of Sara and how she can have a dozen things going on and still have time for more. She also does freelance writing all over the place, and she wrote a recent entry on her Mom-blog regarding taking risks. It's a very good read, as is all of her entries there. She's just amazing, and has a very logical yet fun-loving way of looking at life and raising her family.

Ok, now that I've probably made her blush good and red, back to the question at hand. I was a bit thrown off by the question when it was asked. See, I'm not a new year's resolution person. I need short-term goals, something I can see the end of. College didn't work because I didn't see any end in sight (among other more personal reasons). However, when I went and had my legal training, I was able to complete the 8 month program. It was tough, and right after I began I became pregnant, but I could see the end and for me it was realistic and attainable. So at the end of each year I can't just say "I'm going to lose weight and eat better this year." because I know (as most of us truly know) that it lasts about a month or two, then boom you are right back where you started in December, making the same old resolution to follow half-assed again.

As for doing something that scares you, that happens all the time. I travel by plane once or twice a year, and I am extremely frightened of air travel. I know, I know, it's not a rational fear yadda yadda yadda... but regardless it is still a fear and I face it every time I get on a plane. I'm nervous every time I put out a new podcast, because I know my views are extreme and many do not agree with them. I open myself up to some really mean people who don't know how to express disagreement in ways other than hurtful personal attacks. However, rather than shutting up and not speaking my mind, I continue. It doesn't get easier, I just learn to ignore it better. ;-) I also recently stepped out of my comfort zone by becoming a Girl Scout Leader. I absolutely HATE being in charge, so this was a big step for me after not doing any leading since my PTO days back in 2004-ish. That led to stepping out in another way, which was camping. I freaking hate being outdoors, unless it's a day hike and I have a place inside to go to after.

I'm not a dare-devil type. It's not a fear, it's just the simple fact that I have no interest. Sara and my other good friend Kimber recently went and did the trapeze. I didn't quite get the draw. My husband skis, and I feel so bad because I have absolutely no desire to do so. Same with rock climbing, which my younger daughter loves. I just prefer my feet on the ground.

Now I can see the argument that I don't try these things because I am a big chicken, and if I just let go and did it I'd become hooked and never want to stop. My answer to that is, why? I don't complain about not doing these things. I don't find myself wishing to do them. If I'm happy the way I am, why should I push myself by doing things I *don't* want to do? I grew up living in fear, and worked hard and took great risk for the life I have now. Having a comfort zone doesn't necessarily equate to living in fear.

I like less-extreme risks, which were also mentioned in Sara's blog post. I had toyed with the idea of participating in Pat's Run for several years, but was easily able to talk myself out of it for years. After reading Jon Krakauer's book about Pat Tillman this past fall, I was finally moved to the point of committing to participating. Kimber has been participating every year, so she was very willing to help me train. My goal is to run the whole thing- no walking. This will be a challenge to someone who has never seriously ran since Jr. High. Again, a short- term goal. I began training in November, and the run is in April. I've managed to stay focused and committed so far (thanks to having someone to train with). I'll let you know how it goes.

Perhaps achieving this goal will give me the confidence to do something else I've wanted to do- and that's speak at Ignite Phoenix. I have a dozen ideas to speak about, and it's the perfect setting. Five minutes of speaking, and you finish just before you get to the point of crying or passing out (kind of like Pat's Run). I'm good behind the mic, but being in front is something I'm just not as confident doing. Then there is Podcamp AZ- which is right up my alley. I can always speak there too, and would like to. I've been at the podcasting thing long enough that there has to be *something* I can offer to others, right? I get a personal test of my knowledge soon by speaking about podcasting to Sara's GS troop in a couple of weeks. This definitely qualifies under "scary", since tween girls are probably the most judgmental of any age group out there.

But for now, I will stick my toes in the water a little at a time, without any regret that I didn't just jump right in. I jump if needed, but I have nothing to prove to myself. If you're a go-getter, good for you, I will be right there to cheer you on. I choose to live in my comfort zone and step out when needed or moved enough to. And be perfectly happy that way too.

That's the bottom line anyway, right? Doing what makes you happy.

So do it.